Lyfe's Growth

Love is a Strange Thing

2011-11-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

Clearing out some documents today on my pc and ran into this. Can't remember where I found it but it's quite funny I found this at this time.

Love is a strange thing. It can be the most amazing feeling in the world, or it can really hurt, but in the end love is something most, if not all of us, will face. While there are many different ways to define love and there are many different ways to love someone (even yourself), here is a general guide to loving.

Steps
1. Say it. When you say the words "I Love You", they should carry with them the desire to show someone that you love them, not what you simply want to feel. When you say it make sure you really mean it and are willing to do anything for that special person.

2. Empathize. Put yourself in someone else's shoes. Rather than impose your own expectations or attempt to control them, try to understand how they feel, where they come from, and who they are. Realize how they could also love you back just as well.

3. Love unconditionally. If you cannot love another person without attaching stipulations, then it is not love at all, but deep-seated opportunism (one who makes the most of an advantage, often unmindful of others). If your interest is not in the other person as such, but rather in how that person can enhance your experience of life, then it is not unconditional. If you have no intention of improving that person’s life, or allowing that person to be themselves and accepting them as they are, and not who you want them to be, then you are not striving to love them unconditionally.

4.Expect nothing in return. That doesn't mean you should allow someone to mistreat or undervalue you. It means that giving love does not guarantee receiving love. Try loving just for the sake of love. Realize that someone may have a different way of showing his or her love for you, do not expect to be loved back in exactly the same way.

5.Realize it can be lost. If you realize that you can lose the one you love, then you have a greater appreciation of what you have. Think how lucky you are to have someone to love. Don't make an idol of the person you love. This will place them under undue pressure and will likely result in you losing them.

Hiding my Heart

2011-09-13T14:14:00.000-04:00

I AM SCARED!!

2011-08-23T12:45:00.000-04:00

I’ve been given the opportunity to get into something that has the potential to be extremely amazing. In fact it’s an opportunity that I think I’ve wanted for a very long time now. But I’m nervous. Honestly I’m scared. Not scared of the opportunity per se but somehow scared that it may be a repeat of old. Scared that I may be stepping into something and get blindsided. Scared that somehow this messes up and then what? And I know that I may be scaring myself for no reason but it’s there. That nervous feeling of possible failure is there. And I wish I could venture into this without it…but I can’t.

Then Im afraid that my fear will spoil it….

Fury Food

2011-08-06T21:10:00.000-04:00

For the past few months I have depended on food a lot. Not just eating it but have started back cooking and baking. Most times it has been happening when something is bothering me. So I make Fury Food!! Lol

Today I has some stuff on my mind and so decided to spend some time in the kitchen. I found a "cheesy bread" recipe from My Life on a Plate and decided to try that along with my usual banana muffins since I had some bananas there spoiling.

I followed the bread recipe to a tee. Changed nothing. It was amazing.

I then made some banana muffins. Another easy recipe (I'll post this recipe later as a separate post).

Runway 2 - Walshy Fire

2011-08-06T20:27:00.000-04:00

I've relied on music a lot over the years to get me through a lot of stuff, as I am sure most people have. A prime example is this mix done by my friend after he lost his Dad but it so happen to come for me at a point when I was really hurt and confused. Great Listen!!!

It can be downloaded here: Walshy Fire

Movements!!

2011-07-19T14:06:00.000-04:00

I have gotten to the point where I feel like my life has been at a standstill for too long. I have had NO goals accomplished in the last two years (IMO) and for the first time in my life I feel like I am “wasting time”. Or that time is passing by and I’m just not getting on the train. Yes I am being crippled due to a few external factors but surely I must have something going on that will encourage me that some kind of forward movement is happening.

The last couple of weeks have really allowed me to focus on what I may need to do for some preferably upward movement, but in fact any kind of movement at all is welcomed. I have given myself two months for things to come together somewhat. Or for me to put things together as best as I can. My educational goals have been stunted half by myself and so I therefore need to get myself up and on that. I actually think that with that going on I wouldn’t feel like I’m failing. At least, that is ALL me. And if in two months there is no movement, then I think I start over somewhere else.

I really just wish the plans I have now would just come together: educational goals, relationship goals and other personal life goals. I’m ready for a settled, or as close to settled as possible, and consistent movement with my life. And no matter how I try to get things in place for that it seems to just fall on the side. And though I can’t control everything I really think I need to take the reins on what I can control and get on it. And let all the other unsure things fall to the side.

When a parent fails you!!

2011-06-02T11:33:00.000-04:00

Your parents are the one set of people (for the most part) that you expect to always have held at the highest esteem. These are the people who brought you into the world. And for the most part have taken care of you. But what happens when this "image" is shattered?

My own experience has led me on quite a cycle. This was another big situation that I dealt with myself. My father and I never had the perfect relationship. The majority memories of him as a child is either him annoyed, angry, irrational, snoring. In no way was he an alcoholic or abusive but compared to my memories of my mother with field trips, being at my tennis matches and dance recitals his were quite gloomy. As a result he became "just there" for me as I got older. I know he would reprimand me if I did something wrong. I expected that from him for sure.

By 16/17 it started to turn to despise and by the time I was 18 I really really felt that I just didn't want him around anymore. The situation that happened then was not handled properly IMO. As an adult, with adult kids at that time, a punk move was taken and not only was I upset, I was extremely disappointed that he couldn't be a man about the situation and deal with us as adults.

By the time I came back from college it was an all out war. I didn't even want to hear my father speak at times. I remember one holiday I was leaving on my many trips to the US and I just left. Well I did say I was leaving but I just said bye and walked out. And my father was mighty upset and started a hissy fit that led to tears. I was unmoved. You have no respect for me as a person, I'm not going to want to have anything to do with you really. And it continued like that for quite some time.

I just couldn't get over that my father could not respect the people he had around him enough to offer an proper explanation on the situation. I felt like my siblings just took what happened and threw it over their shoulder and kept moving. I guess being the youngest I didn't learn yet that sometimes it's not worth it. And it wasn't. No matter how I felt, things would not change. No matter how rude I was, how disrespectful, how nonchalant and uncaring the whole situation stays the same.

Eventually I just decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't forgetting it though. And we came to an unspoken decision NOT to include me in anything that is linked to what happened. Do not speak to me about it or attempt for me to make any kind of movement towards accepting it.

Now, our relationship is ok for the most part. Our conversations do not last for more than 10 mins. I feel like as my parent I am obligated to assist him when needed and I always do. Irrational he still is, but as I've gotten older I've learnt to take people for who they are and now what I would like them to be and communicate as such.

And as I see more people around me being disappointed by their parents in some way or the other, I wish as a child we could learn from early that though we may see them as the giants that they are, we must remember that they are only human too.

2011-06-01T09:55:00.000-04:00

Turn to where??

2011-05-30T22:58:00.004-04:00

I am sure sleep would not be visiting me tonight. I have so much going on around me right now. My brain is on extreme ramble.

I always feel like when it's on this channel it always has to get to black out before I start to get proper reception again. I think it's going to last through the week. Besides the emotional cloud right now I also have to deal with making some tough decisions professionally in a few days. And based on how I'm feeling right now I may be leaning more to relocating than staying.

I feel like sometimes I'm ready to spread myself thin being there for others but sometimes unable to give myself the same strength to be there for myself. Or even to let ppl be there for me. I always think other ppl have their own shit to deal with and so I just deal.

But I think I have a little too much going on right now for me to "just deal" alone. But Im afraid to turn to someone right now. I love my friends/family to death but I feel like I need unbiased ears and unhoneyed lips.

*Big Sigh*

I guess it's one day at a time.

Idol!!

2011-05-30T21:59:00.001-04:00

Quite fitting!!

I love this riddim. Mavado kills it on this also.

Yuh si you!!

2011-05-30T20:55:00.002-04:00

yuh have mi ova ere a tink fi tell every man weh mi a talk to seh mi is spoken for

seh mi have a man now weh love mi like cook food and mi “naaah let guh” like weh Gyptian seh.

yuh si you? Yuh have mi heart a beat all sort a boodoom boodoom every time mi phone ring and yuh name come up pan mi touch screem.

yuh si you? have a wild girl like me a tink bout sekkle down an all dis tings

yuh come tie up mi heart strings.

Have mi a tink bout cook and clean fi yuh and keep miself lean fi yuh

Just di soun a yuh voice wet up mi panty same time

Mi see all Trey Songz pan yoochoob a sing sexy song

an all mi can tink of is you a buss off mi lace t’ong

Yuh si you? Only you have buttafly a kin puppa lick inna mi belly

Mek mi feel like mi high, mek mi knees dem feel like jelly

Every maanin noon an night yuh have mi heart a shine like a light

A bere school girl giggling and Port Royal Giddy House feelings yuh lef mi in

An mi nuh even know weh wi stand

Mi nuh even know if yuh is mi tru tru tru tru man.

N Dee

Poetrist

http://www.nadyadee.com/

Wow... and wow

2011-05-30T20:44:00.006-04:00

I decided today that I needed to start writing again. So I logged back into my blogger to "catch up". Lo and behold my last post is exactly how I'm feeling today. A little more than a year ago and I'm waiting for another "mark to buss". Only this time I know what the mark is and I pray that it doesn't really buss.

But yea. TODAY I'm in a position that I can't find anyone to talk to about it. I'm afraid to turn to the people I'm accustomed talking to for fear that they would make me realise that how I am feeling about the situation is true and will confirm that I am really hurt and it's not a figment of my imagination. Well that, and that one of the persons that I usually talk to is part of this feeling at the moment. Lol.. weird.

I hope that occupying my time here will take me through this phase as easy as possible.

Waiting for the Mark to Buss!!

2010-06-15T11:44:00.004-04:00

I'm not having a good day today. In fact I didn't have a good day yesterday either. I'm really really frustrated with so many things all at the same time. I know some people will want to say it's my medication and the fact that there was a mix up and I had to take a generic one instead that makes me sick. But dammit!! It is not. I am truly frustrated.

On Sunday evening I just felt really nervous and anxious about something. Yes something. I can't pin point what I was worried about, but I know my heart was heavy and I really felt like I was starting to hyperventilate. I eventually went to bed and slept for most of the night but woke up the next morning with the same dread feeling. By the time I got to work, I was just waiting to hear the "bad news" whatever it was cause surely my body was preempting some sort of impending danger. Nothing happened but the feeling did not subside until I got home.

This morning...the same thing. I got to work in tears because I just felt like I was on the edge of the cliff and it was giving away. I still feel like I am and nobody is trying to help. I feel like they can't see me and I'm screaming. I tried explaining it to two people but instead of trying to hear what I'm saying it turned into "interview the crazy person". No help.

Yes I have a few things on my mind but never in my life have I felt such heavy dread on my subconscious. None of these issues I have I think should make me feel like this. I'm more worried now about the "news" than the feeling I have right now. Because if I can feel like this and not know what's going on then imagine!! Sigh! The one thing I trust in myself is my gut feeling.

I did though call my Dr to ask him to make sure that I do get my correct medication back. I need to cover all my bases.

Am I being selfish?

2010-06-08T16:38:00.000-04:00

Last year at the end of my degree program and some really emotional battles I decided that I was going to fix me first before anything else took place. Fix me meant I was going to take care of the things that I wanted to achieve and make me happy which would include work, emotional stability, less stress. Before I can embark on that fix I was thrown into the world of pain and my new find about my health. This made me even more determined to take care of myself. Hearing a doctor tell you, “If u aren’t careful you run the risk of being paralyzed” can make you see the world from a new set of eyes.

It also didn’t help that most of the things to be done I had to do it on my own. Yes I had a support group but I had to go find $500 to see the neurosurgeon after seeing two other general practitioners for $400 a pop. I had to be the one in the night re-medicating myself. I had to do the pharmacy runs. So I needed all the strength within me to do these things and not cave in. I guess it made me become more self sufficient and lean less and less on people. Yes I had a support team who would gladly assist me in whatever way possible. Not that I would expect any of them to assist with my medical bills but push come to shove anything else I needed assistance with it was possible. But I wanted so much to keep my independence. And I knew that no matter how bad I felt my situation was, other people had issues in their life to deal with and I surely didn’t want to add to any one else’s stress.

Over the next few months I guess I have become self sufficient that I don’t feel the need to even have to talk about what I’m going through with people. I have just been doing ME. I have been working hard on getting ME done: Work, health, life stability. And it seems to be bothering people. And I can’t seem to understand why really. And I can’t seem to think either why they can’t understand what kind of mission I HAVE to be on. After my last scare I really saw that I have NO clue what can happen when it can happen and I refuse to let something happen and I don’t achieve what I want to achieve.

I guess it’s easier for people who are not face with “the possibility” to think that things can run its course, or you have time in your life to get things done. I don’t know. I just know I have all these things I want to do before time runs out. And with the added possibility of unknown health it has made my urge to achieve have a heavier weight in my life. And I cannot understand why someone would want to hold that against me. I am in no way trying to be vindictive to anyone. This isn’t about me hiding anything from anyone. But there is so much of me I can give out without it becoming about someone else, and at this time, IT IS ABOUT ME!! Sorry.

Everyone has their life goals. Why must I try to compromise mine while others do what their goals are?

Am I being selfish??

Say yes till you see me in pain and realize that this shit aint NO JOKE!!

2010-05-27T14:33:00.001-04:00

While you're reading this I will be seated in the hall for my graduation. All antsy and jittery and nervous. Not because it's graduation and I don't know one soul graduating (I've done that before) but because I'm actually very worried about sitting down there for at least five hours (we have a rehearsal before the actual grad). Do I take the chance and take my meds before I go there and pray I stay up? Don't take them? Take just the nerve meds? Lol. Seems so trivial eh but can be a major deciding factor in if I actually am able to walk up on that stage and cross it and not have to be assisted or leave. Sigh.

But back to graduation lol. I have been trying to down play it. I actually finished my degree last year, but my happy self was so glad to take a trip. While I was on said trip I realized that the grad ceremony was going on as I checked. Lmao. My mother was not too happy about that. I wasn't too interested in doing the ceremony but as I think about it now, I'm excited about it. I've worked really really hard. I was the only female in my year and entering a new, male dominated work force. It was a push and a shove and a push to deal with some of my professors and classmates but I have had great results and need to celebrate it. (I keep my geekdom quiet lol) Especially in the midst of all the other things that were going on in my life.

So tomorrow I celebrate success. And it starts off a great weekend where I plan to celebrate life, health, good friends and my love for music. (Mr. Pain you better go on vacation)

Music is my Homeboy

2010-05-26T14:01:00.004-04:00

What is my most annoying trait? Humming on someone while they talking to me. My mother always complains "She always singing"... lol. We having a conversation and I start to hum something either from the radio or that's in my head. I love music. All music. When I was living in Alabama I got into "down south" music and was enthralled, much to the shock of my friends. Besides the fact that I could understand what they were saying in the songs.. that I would actually start acting "gangster" while the songs were on lol.

But music has gotten me through a lot. Good, bad, exciting, encouraging, depression... all moments you can think of. And it's not only just the words of the song, but the musicality. Quite funny considering that when I was sent to piano lessons I spent more time playing in the bushes than actually learning about musicality. Lol I can sit and just hear the music and be taken to places that bring me back healed and happy.

My "Talker" (person who I talk to every day) is famous for saying "How the hell a pretty girl listens to that music?" I am Mrs. Kartel. Lol. I just also happen to love those "skin out, dig out" songs. Lmao. It amazes everyone that I can be quietly standing and a song comes out and I start to wild out.. lol. The power of music. Machel Montano also takes me to another level that is indescribable. I mean, it becomes a trance. The music takes u above the worries, past the clouds into a zone of love, happiness, freedom, awe, jamishness... All the good things wrapped up together. But Nina Simone will take me there and make my heart bleed for new things, new hope, fresh life, fresh love and understanding. The range of music that can take you from sleep to war to death to sleep with the change of the keys, tones, lyrics. Music is my homeboy!!

Support Team

2010-05-26T09:36:00.003-04:00

Last week was a really emotional week for me. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I was just second guessing myself and really had no reason to. I was filled with a slew of good news that had me in limbo for too long. So really, I had no reason to be depressed or anything. But I was. And Sunday it really just came to a head. I had NOTHING to do with the constant pain in my shoulder. That I was dealing with much better than I was with this emotional dread that was taking over me.

I couldn’t stop crying. It was surely like an out of body experience because I think I actually was shouting at myself “What the hell are you crying for”. Was there something subconsciously bothering me? I dunno. I decided though that I probably needed to step back from where I was standing for a while and I would then probably be able to see something I was missing. I was quickly tugged out of that idea lol after sharing with a close friend that I needed to “step into the shadows”. I was QUICKLY reminded that I needed to stop running away from things (to be discussed later), and that I had a support system to get me through my stuff and didn’t need to go into any shadows. I think that hour of back and forth arguing got me out of the slump. And not just because I got so annoyed I didn’t have time to be sad/depressed anymore but it made me realize a few things.

I did have an amazing support team. I group of people who have been able to reaffirm that I can get back what I put out. They have brought me back full circle through the last year which had been extremely tough even before my health issues came up. People who have opened their homes, their cars, their fridges (that is a big big debt there with me eh lol), their hearts, their ears, their mouths to assist me with no expectations of pay back. Who have dropped, tucked and rolled with me. Here again I was being argued out of “giving up” (still to be discussed) to me meant that my friends really wanted me around. There’s not enough words for me to say how much I appreciate the efforts and how much those efforts gets me past the pain on a daily basis.

I wish I could figure out a way to let them know HOW much “having my back” is appreciated. It’s either going to be me being my usual fool self and they laughing and missing my point or me tearing up and they still missing my point cause they busy telling me “doh cry”. Lol. But I really appreciate it and it is one of the main things that gets me to look at this episode in my life and still want to try and enjoy it regardless of what.

Hi

2010-05-24T12:52:00.002-04:00

I messed up my code on here sooooo bad. I had to start and import from scratch. Wheeew! Atleast I kinda got something back!!

Changes are Coming!!

2010-05-11T23:01:00.003-04:00

It amazes me that so many people seem to think that I don't know the severity of my condition. Apparently I'm not "taking it easy" enough. Who thinks I shouldn't be driving but not volunteering to take me to work. Who thinks I should be in bed all the time, but not volunteering to come cook, clean and do whatever little errands I need to do. So I'm not sure what "taking it easy" i suppose to be doing when I still need to live.

I am not sure why they think that the possibility of ME being in extreme pain and possibly being unable to walk is not as GREAT of an issue for me as it is to them. I am truly grateful for all the concerns but regardless of what I am still alive and need to live. I still have things I want to do and I'll be dammed if I just sit around waiting. Waiting on what I don't know. Cause even with this surgery done I can still be run over by a truck. Lol. Not that I'm going to go and roll down a hill or get into a fight or go play dodge ball and get hit. But honestly sitting around in one spot just so that I don't hurt myself is like telling me to eat once in the day. Not going to happen.

In the same regard I have thus limited my activities. I have a new project that I am quite excited about relaunching and have been working feverishly on getting it up and running by the end of the month. Additionally I need to change this blog template because 1) I'm bored and 2) I need to have an option to play video. Music has surely become my saving grace and sometimes there's just a song that can sum up all of what I'm feeling instead of writing it out. So look out for it.

I'm Good!!

2010-04-30T16:44:00.003-04:00

The one thing that makes me shiver every time is "How are you doing?" I've resorted to a generic answer of "I'm good" regardless of how stiff, numb, spiderful (lol), nauseated I may be. It's the easiest way to get pass without having to explain that the medication may not feel like working today, or it hasn't started working yet, or my body is just tired or there are side effects to EVERYTHING I'm taking or I really can't tell you what is wrong but I'm not feeling good. So "I'm good" covers well. There are some that know how to repeat the question so that I can give a more detailed answer but for the most part the elude the explanation trick is working. :-)

And it clears...

2010-04-30T16:35:00.002-04:00

One week away from my recent episode and I'm on the way to some normalcy. Neck movement is not 100% but 100% better than last Friday. I'm quite happy to be back to this level. I can't even begin to explain it. Still "taking it easy" for the most part. Medication is having a war with my inner body but... I can move. Got some word on assistance for my surgery but that mouth is so tainted. I'm not ready to put my hopes there yet.

But I'm good...well better. And praising everyday that I'm waking up with less pain than the day before.

As the dust clears...

2010-04-25T18:28:00.005-04:00

Wow. What a weekend. I'm still in shock. It's been a whirlwind experience.

I woke up Friday morning at 2am to tinkle. By the time I was ready to go back to bed I had a "stiff neck". I was pissed lol. This was going to hinder me from sleeping. I finally got out of bed at 7 to get ready for work and realised that I couldn't pick my towel up from where it had fallen. My neck was STIFF!! I had to ask my room mate to fold up my shirt sleeve after taking a while to put my jeans off. I questioned my driving ability but when I got to the car I was able to maneuver and felt I was good to go.

When I got to work 45 mins later was another story. I could barely look to the left or the right. I had to lift my leg out of the car. I shuffled to the building and prayed that someone was there to open the door. I could barely lift my handbag. I got the my office door and it took me ten minutes to get the door open. I prayed that someone was already there. No one was. I needed to take my medication at that point. But I couldnt get the cup from the holder to get water. I couldn't look down, up, sideways without excruciating pain. I couldn't use my phone to call anyone for help. Fortunately my mother talks to me every morning and called me to find out what's happening. I was able to just press answer and tell her. I was able to log into facebook and send a message to 3 friends praying they would call me ASAP. My sister did. The pain was indescribable. On a scale of 1 - 10...12 would be too low. I was shaking. My body started convulsing at intervals. I was alone at work. I couldn't get up from the chair to even go to another office to ask for help. My phone being touch screen needed two touches to get to numbers. I couldn't look to do that. My room mate texted me to find out if I got to work ok.. I was able to respond "cajj". She responded "english". I couldn't attempt to send anything else to her. My sister was 45 mins away with no traffic. Friday traffic would take her more than an hour. I could be paralyzed by then. I could be dead by then. All these thoughts in my head. Finally my coworker came. In a frenzy she was able to get me water and I was able to take my meds. 20 mins later I was picked up and refused by urgent care who insisted I needed to head straight to an ER. The rest is a daze. Xray, injections, no clue.

I was just knocked out tired by 3pm. An 8 hour ordeal. 2 days later I have limited movement of my neck but I can move it. My body is fighting all these medications that keep adding to my list. I'm now on full blown vicodin, mobic, ibuprofen, my already heavy neurontin. I have to take aviane for my hormone deficiency. Thank goodness I refused them with the paxil offer to help my serotonin. Now adding vitamin C, D and E to help my body with the intake of these things.

The scariest part? No valid reason for this flare up. I have seriously been taking it easy. So who knows when another one is going to just randomly happen. I can't drive right now. I can't even be in a car for too long as a passenger.

Happy to be able to talk about it today. So thankful for my friends and my sister. If I had taken that pill any later who knows what could have been the outcome.

Life... enjoy it!!!

Near Miss #4

2010-02-09T18:17:00.003-05:00

So I have to be extremely careful about getting pushed, hit, shoved or doing jerks with my neck. There are to be NO sudden movements, no falls, not jumps, no neck snaps...lol. It's all well and good for ME to be careful but the jackasses out there don't understand.

This morning was the worse near miss to date. I HATE Florida driver's. The most set of vagina's driving that you can find per capita. This morning I'm heading to work on a local main road to enter onto the highway. Mr. Jackass is trying to enter the road from a strip mall. He decides he must not stop, but fly straight out into the street and I was the unfortunate driver to have to SLAM on my brakes and pull over to the other lane to avoid him, and truck behind me. I was SOO pissed. 2 seconds he could have waited and then come out behind the truck. But NO. Rush they must. Half hour later my hand is on fire, my neck is pulsing, I cannot lift my arm. In other words I messed my neck up. The medication I'm on has to be taken at night. I am no longer on strong pain killers. So you know how I was in work. Eventually my boss told me I was mad.. that I need to leave. How? I couldn't even lift my left arm; my driving arm. In fact I couldn't even turn to the left. I was pissed. I try so hard to not be in a position not to get hurt. I go out I stay out of the crowd. But can I really be safe?

I've been put on bed rest with my brace till tomorrow. With this pain though I am really considering those cortisone shots. The price is deterring me too a bit and the "more pain" idea but I need to be able to use my arm. At this point I can make a slack fist, I couldn't a few hours ago. So atleast I know it is easing up.

But these near misses are starting to scare me more and more. Frustration is starting to set in. I'm really trying to stay strong because I know once I break my family will too.

Sigh!!

To Silicone or Not to Silicone

2010-02-09T11:19:00.004-05:00

I'm sure my friends are wondering "why de heck dis gyul want more breasts" lol. But I'm more thinking of putting some in my neck. Cortisone shots. It was one of the "eases" given by my doctor to help me through the process before surgery. I was a bit skeptical about it and held off on it so that I could do a little more research.

Cortisone is really a hormone produced in our body that is there to aid the body when it is under stress. Putting it into your body helps to suppress inflammation. Basically, they inject the silicon between my two discs to help ease the tension. It is painful. Depending on the needle size and the space that is needed to get the gel in between the discs. What it is is that they take a needle and inject some amounts of the hormone.

The downside of it is that the side affect can be MORE pain than before the injection known as a Cortisone flare. WTF?!! My skin may also whiten as a result of the injection. The Cortisone can also venture into my blood stream and affect other parts of my body.

I'm really considering it since I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel for doing this surgery NOW. And it get's even more urgent in light of so many "near misses" happening.

A Little Info

2010-02-07T17:55:00.005-05:00

So most people assume that I just have a "pinched nerve" when I tell them about my situation. Until you see me in pain I guess is when you would really understand that this isn't just a pinched nerve. I've had to explain over and over what the problem is and realise that most people still won't understand how dangerous of a situation I'm in. It's like two boulders jammed together and resting on a boiled noodle. If too much pressure goes onto the boulders the noodle is separated and I'm paralysed. From the neck down. I now have to be very careful of how and where I walk. I'm nervous to be on the freeway. And though I am calm the possibility of someone else's actions scares me shitless. One shove, one jerk, a push, can be one too rough and result in my discs cutting my spinal chord.

Here's a little info:

What is a cervical disc prolapse?
A cervical disc prolapse is a protrusion of one of the discs in the neck. This protrusion frequently causes pressure on one of the nerves to the arm ("a pinched nerve"). On occasions, a cervical disc prolapse may press against the spinal cord, causing symptoms potentially much more serious than those of a single pinched nerve.

Prolapse of a disc is often referred to as a protruding disc, a herniated disc, a slipped disc, a bulging disc, a ruptured disc or even a collapsed disc. These terms usually refer to the same process.

Cervical disc prolapse is often associated with overgrowth of bone, the latter occurring as part of a degenerative process known as spondylosis. Spondylosis is extremely common. Nearly everyone over 35 years of age develops some degree of spondylosis. Spondylosis can make a disc prolapse more likely to cause pressure on the nervous system, resulting in neurological symptoms. In some cases, pressure on the nerve or spinal cord is caused by a spur of excess bone (an osteophyte), rather than a prolapse of the disc.
What are the symptoms of a cervical disc prolapse or osteophyte?

The most important symptoms are neurological symptoms, meaning those symptoms due to pressure on the nerve(s) in the neck. These symptoms are usually felt in one arm. Pain is often severe, especially in the shoulder and upper arm, and may shoot down the arm to the hand or fingers. Tingling or numbness in one or more of the fingers is very common. Loss of strength is also common, particularly with strength at the elbow. The exact pattern of symptoms depends on which particular nerve is involved.

If the disc prolapse causes pressure on the spinal cord, then symptoms in all four limbs can occur. Rather than causing pain, pressure on the spinal cord causes tingling in the arms or legs (or both), as well as causing impairment of walking due to unsteadiness of gait. Control over bladder and bowel function can also be impaired. Neck pain is a common part of the picture, but is usually not due to the disc prolapse itself. So too is headache a common complaint. However these symptoms are not usually considered to be caused by pressure on any one particular nerve.
What is actually done in the operation?

An incision over the front of the neck is made just to the right side, often running in a skin crease. It usually heals to a fine line quite quickly. The wound is on the right even if the symptoms are on the left. The surgery is performed between the throat and the blood vessels of the neck. The correct level is identified with an x-ray taken during the surgery, then the procedure is performed.

The details vary depending on the particular problem, but generally the disc is completely removed, along with some bone from the vertebrae on either side of the disc. This is rather like removing the mortar between two bricks, and then trimming a little of the brick on either side of the gap. This gives space for the surgeon to remove the offending particle of prolapsed disc or to trim away the osteophyte as the case may be. In either case the object of the exercise is to relieve pressure on the nerve or the spinal cord, depending on the symptoms and the results of preoperative investigations.

Once the decompression is complete, the gap left by removing the disc is filled (implanted) with the disc replacement device (also known as a "prosthesis"). The device and the final appearance on an x-ray look like this:

In my process the discs are going to be completely removed and replaced with 2 prosthesis along with a stem between the two. More info can be found here.

I'm ready to get this done though. It's starting to affect me more than I want. Sigh!!

So...

2010-02-04T14:28:00.003-05:00

Today I woke up with a pain on the right side of my neck. Well it's not today. Today is day 3 of that pain. The first day I said I probably slept bad. Day two (yesterday) I assumed that it was going away from my "bad sleep". This morning, more intense pain in the opposite side of where i felt my initial pain a few months back. Worry. I called my neurologist because he calls me once a week to make sure that nothing else happens, but today is his surgery day. I'm hoping that I really slept bad, mind you I am not sleeping with any pillows because I cannot have my neck at angles, so my "sleeping bad" theory is really a comfort to my soul. Sigh. I really hope no more MRIs. The process of that was a story ALL by itself.

Catching up!!

2010-02-01T15:37:00.000-05:00

Since my last big post on here I have:

Moved
Graduated (well finished classes. Actual ceremony is in a couple months)
Bought a car

I was happy.

Then August through September became a bit trying with the process of buying a car. During this time I woke up one morning with a severe stiff neck. It lasted for a couple weeks. The pain eased up a bit but there still seemed to be a nagging pain in my back. October came with many sleepless nights and extreme pain. I was rubbed, twisted, rubbed, heated. Eventually I saw a Dr who figured I probably had a pinched nerve. He gave me muscle relaxants and some pain killers. January 2010 and I still have sleepless nights; now have severe paralyzing pain in my left arm and shoulder. At times I can feel electricity from my shoulder to my finger tips. My hand at intervals is unusable. So I went to get a second opinion. I was kept on the medication and rushed to get an MRI. A couple hundred dollars later my Dr. is looking at me with puppy dog eyes telling me that she is sending me to a neurologist. There’s something wrong with the discs in my spine. The only fix is surgery.

Panic had set in along with the continued pain, and sleepless nights. Eventually I get to see a neurologist. One of the top one’s in the State. It was quite an experience. Though I was not outwardly worried I guess subconsciously I was because that morning was a really emotional morning for me. I got to my appointment late and if I had gotten any later I would have had to wait another month to see him. On opening my images from disc, “Wow” was the comment made by the Dr. Not a good feeling. I then looked and responded “That’s MY neck?”. Total shock. I mean based on the pain I know it was something heavy but never in my life was I going to think that my neck LOOKED like that.

Basically I have spinal stenosis. Cervial spinal stenosis to be exact. Though this is a common diagnosis, it is more common in way older people and I am on the extreme end of the graph. I am only 30. He quickly became concerned about the use of my left hand and thumb which already the nerve to it had started to darken from pressure on it. Though I felt like I was strong, he felt that my left was weaker than my right. But Dr… I am right handed you know??!!!

Anyways what it has come down to is that I HAVE to do surgery and as soon as possible. There are no other options. I cannot get any chiropractic treatment in between time to ease the pain because the discs are so embedded into my nerve that any sharp movement can lead to me being PARALYZED. I have been taken off of heels (FAINTS). I have to be very careful I don't fall, don't get hit, don't turn my head to sharply too quickly. I am now taking Neruontin which seems to be helping A LOT with the spasms in my arm (it is an epileptic medication) and the pain.

So I am not on a journey of "FIX RENEE". And though it seems to be a situation that is potentially dangerous I'm more worried about getting the money to foot this approx quoted surgery of $30 grand USD than him going through my neck to replace my discs with some plastic thingie. More worried every time I jump into my car that some fool doesn't make the mistake and run into me or me into them. But i have made it so far and i pray that I will continue safely till after surgery into physical therapy.

woooossssshh

2010-01-30T15:01:00.003-05:00

It has been like tumbleweed in here hasn't it? I'm sorry. The past year I have been through A LOT. I got so tired of writing about the negative things that seem to be holding me down, that I just didn't write. The past few months I have grown... or re grown so much that I was at a very happy place. But you know how Lyfe is? Lol.. doesn't always stay as you want it to be. So I'm back. With new struggles with my health that surely will be a growing experience for me and the continued normal day to day happenings.

Initially I was just going to leave this be and continue going through dealing in my head, but I think I need to blog this and I have a feeling I may need to keep some of my feelings of the situation from my family members for "sane" reasons. So this blog will again become my escape.

I'm back!!!!

Detox??

2009-07-17T20:18:00.006-04:00

So in light of my dance with the grouper a few weeks ago, my family insisted I needed to be "cleaned" out. Like a ray of light from heaven my aunt found this man with a foot detoxification tub and decided that this was what I needed.

Now I have heard about these foot baths and was very skeptical about how a tub of water with salt and electricity can pull toxins out of the sole of your feet. I mean really?? You can read more here about it. I mean I keep searching for holes in my feet that's gonna take ALL my toxins out. I eat so much.. would it all pass.

So we started with me and clean water, two spoons of sea salt and a copper electric device, oh and my feet. I was asked to say a prayer while i dissolved the salt in the water and he flipped the on switch. I had to sit still for 30 mins (what? you serious?) while this detoxifies me. A few minutes into the procedure the water starts to turn uhm BROWN. A kinda murky looking brown too with some seaweed like thing... ah WTH!! Then it starts to turn to a murky green and the seaweed multiplies. Jeez, I does eat real crap but this is really coming from my body?

He starts to ask me questions now. Do I have high cholesterol? Ah I dunno.. who does check that? Is your blood presure high? AH I dunno.. I doh check that. Do you have belly pains? What you mean belly pain? Mi belly does hurt me sometimes.. yuh mean like that? *blank stare* He then proceeds to tell me that if my period is coming it going to come. Ah duh!! (That shit better come!! lol)

After 30 minutes he turns off the machine and says "you family is a strong family boy". (My cousin also did the process). Our "water" had nothing apparently. There was no sign of toxins *side eye*. No lymphmatic problems, no liver problems, no blood, no eye, no cold, no. So you trying to tell me ALL the shit I does eat, there is NO toxins in my body?? Nice!! So why the water brown/green then?? Apparently no matter if there is a foot in the tub or not the water is going to get dark because it's an electric copper device and water and salt causes a reaction. Sooo.. if de water getting green/brown either way how they really tellin you what toxin come out? LIES!!

So what is the verdict? I wasted $275. I didn't mention I had to pay before ent?? Steups... 30 minutes of sitting still and a pain in my hip after I got up. *Goes back to eating junk*

I wondering..

2009-07-09T19:42:00.000-04:00

Am I the only person who seem to have people in their lives who think that their life is their business and my life is their business? And I not talking about yuh mother who concerned about what you doing in your life for your betterment of it. I talking bout friends (who it seems having ulterior motives) trying to dictate how your life should be run.

I never am concerned about what others doing. That's their life. If they happy doing it, not hurting anyone then go for it. My friends are free to see who they want, go where they want without me making noise about it. Once they not hurting themselves or nobody in the process. But tell me why it is a problem for them for me to see who I want or go where I want?

Why is it that whatever my friends have to do is very important. So important that they can delay me, make me wait, cancel on me but if there is something that I deem important for me to do, it's a problem. Apparently they are more important.

Everybody seems to know who and what is good for me. All of a sudden I have 4 fathers who seem to think they need to dictate my life, when they should be concentrating a little bit more on theirs. I guess that's what I get for being an open person, leaving room for people to step in and give their opinion. Because some of these same people who like to "share" with me hide their business like it's a national secret. I probably need to do the same.

But why the people stressing me out are Males???

Dance with a Grouper!!!

2009-07-06T01:11:00.004-04:00

So here I was, writing up a nice "where I was" post when I was attacked by a grouper. Well I should put attacked in inverted commas, because not that I was physically attacked by the dam fish, but it did make me physically itch for a whole day and a half (and counting).

Apparently that fish greedier than me and does eat everything including nickle. As a result a lot of people have allergic reactions to it. So if is so...tell me why my parents dem have it to cook and how come this is the first time in my life I eating this fish? And why de arse of all the things I allergic to it had to be this? Mind you the steam fish and rice I cook it with went down REAL good eh!! But it ent worth the scale like skin I now have, with the persistent itching, and me being covered in calamine lotion from head to toe. It also ent worth me sitting in the dam Emergency Room for 12 hours waitin on them to give me 2 unworthy injections in my butt and having to wait another half hour before I could feel mi leg again. And it sure as heck ent worth me waking up at 1 am later in the night STILL covered in scales and itching. I know me ent going back up to the morgue... I mean hospital cause I sure as day know if I hear them ring that bell for the orderlies to put me on the ward I running outta there real quick.

So I'm here, itching and cussing and wishing I did pick up the chicken to stew instead of that dam grouper!! Steups.

Psssttt!!!

2009-06-30T21:56:00.005-04:00

And when I say I'm back... know that the FULL me is BACK and ready to write in FULL swing!!!

2009 to Date....

2009-03-17T20:48:00.006-04:00

I come to my blog everyday checking like if a new post will appear miraculously. I have had SOOO much go on that I would love to write about, but the words don't seem to want to be written. I need to get them out though. My brain is taking over my life with all these conversations going on.

2009 to date has not been all that great. I had hoped that 2009 would really be mine, but I can't yet seem to get a firm grasp on the year yet. My hands keep slipping off. Every night I seem to have to try to take my brain off so that I can get some rest. It doesn't work. I keep falling back to reality and the fact that I feel I've failed in some missions in my life. My perspectives have surely changed. Though I am not broken by things that are happening, I am shattered and it's taking me a little while to just gather the pieces and move along.

School has been going great though. And imagine how times flies... that I'm almost done. I'm already on the job hunt but with this recession and the possibilities for my area it's going to be a long and hard search for work.

My cousins came in to visit this weekend. It was nice. They surely kept me occupied. Even if I wanted to hear the voices in my head, the voices of my cousins talking overpowered it all lol. But they surely showed me in this time what family and love is all about. I know they always have my back regardless.

I'm trying my best to take things one day at a time. Harder done than said. The one good thing I have a 10 week count down to this quarter and a trip, and that makes me very happy. I hope enough to shut out my brain, and it's thoughts.

Smile Like This!!

2009-03-02T20:14:00.003-05:00

I took my braces off today. I thought I would be more excited, but considering my week, I'm happy. It feels so weird. Now I'm stuck with retainers now for about a year. I hope I can keep up with ensuring that I wear them when I'm supposed to. I keep touching my teeth with my tongue... lol.

Weary Actress.... (Recap)

2009-02-26T17:13:00.000-05:00

“The angry boy a bit too insane Icing over a secret pain You know you don’t belong You’re the first to fight Your’re way too loud You’re the flash of light on a burial shroud”

I am soooo tired…
Tired of laughing
Tired of trying
Tired of crying, cringing, always, always hurting.I am such a good actress that no one
Knows when I’m joking
No one knows the real me
I’m always pretending
Always trying to be.

Right now I’m weary
I have lost all my tears
All my fears… Not!
They have not dissipated
They have just been covered
By the glamour, the glitter … the pain

Who am I?
What am I?
Nobody takes me for who I really am
Everybody wants me to be their actress
Everybody wants to be the Director of the show
But haven’t I progressed enough to become my own?
Haven’t I earned the role?

Time is passing and I haven’t gotten old
No longer do I have the energy to fight
To let you know that I nbeed to be acknowledged for who I AM
Not what you see, or hope for me to be
No longer do I think it is possible to defend
I have given up …
And it hurts.

I was rewarded, but
Complacency was not one of my goals
But I have accepted it with all the glamour and glitter that acompanies it
Will I, the weary one, be able to go on…

How would you ever know?
I have been acting all my life, haven’t I?
But I don’t think I can go on…
Right now I am just tired. SIGH!!

“I wish you could step back from that ledge my friend
YOu could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if u do not want to see me again
I would understand”

Only But Once

2009-02-26T05:11:00.000-05:00

I expect to pass through this world
but ONCE
Any good, therefore
That I can do,
or any kindness
I can show to a fellow human being
Let me do it…
NOW…
let me not deter it,
nor neglect it …
For I shall not pass this way again…

I am a Lion!!!

2009-02-25T16:59:00.000-05:00

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
For my book yes I’ll be the writer
Blaze up yuh fire, I say raise yuh lighter, brighter
Find the strength within your heart
And with love you’ll find your path
I know the road seems hard for so
Dream yuh dreams and don’t let go
Cause some of them want to fight you down
Some of them want to see you crawl
Some of them rather see you on the ground
Some ah dem, some ah dem
Some of them hate what they don’t know
All we need is love to grow

For the the dreams

For your life

For your soul
Let your power come forward
And I’m done with yesterday
And I’m sure I will find my way
Life it keeps moving on
So I’ve got to cease this moment,
And I won’t be afraidI am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
For my book yes I’ll be the writer
Blaze up yuh fire, I say raise yuh lighter, brighter
Find the strength within your heart

And with love you’ll find your path
I know the road seems hard for so,

But dream yuh dreams and don’t let go
Some of them want to see you fail
Some of them fail their wind has changed
Some of them hide behind a smiling face,
Some ah dem, some ah dem
Some of them feed upon your tears
They’ve been doing that for years
Tell me when will it end

Don’t pretend
That everything is alright
I refuse to be the one to take the fall
And if I take this stand today

I make a better way
So someone else could sayI am a lion
Yes I am a fighter

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter

Find the strength within your heart
Dreams, Life, Your soul, Let the power control

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
Blaze up yuh fire I say raise yuh lighter, brighter

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
For your Dreams,

For you Life,

For your soul,

Let your power controlI am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
Blaze up yuh fire I say raise yuh lighter, brighter
We are so much stronger than we know
For Dreams, Life, Your soul,
Let your power control

“Kees The Band - Lion”

I KNOW YOU'RE THERE

2009-02-20T16:17:00.001-05:00

You're funny. Don't know what's the point, but I'll ride it out and see.

Sigh...It's carnival

2009-02-19T11:52:00.003-05:00

In the past few years I have lived from carnival to carnival. The season for me started a few months after the other one ended. I started gathering the crew, asking about costume ideas, colours, forcing them to start to gather their down payment monies. I became the obsessed haggler. The person who just needed to hear "I think I want to play mas" and immediately you were included in the "crew" to be on the road. My students would be anxiously waiting to know what section Miss get into so that they can look for me on tv. My co workers would be moving my calendar from my desk and telling me to SHUT UP about the costume already. My mom would be covering her ears and my dad would be informing me quite strongly that he not going back to no mascamp again to collect no costume AGAIN. No one was left untouched.

This year, I quietly decided that carnival was out. Well I didn't have much choice really considering. How was I going to pay for costume and all the other things that accompany having a costume, fetes, plane tickets, outfits....? So it was out. And it was going well. No one else really was partaking as we all opted for a return in 2010. So there was no one important really to be jealous of on the road come Monday and Tuesday. I was doing good to suppress the feelings. Until today.

I'm getting anxiety attacks at the thoughts that on Monday I'll be laying in bed when I could be chipping on the road. I would not be decked off in some cute outfit drinking my money's worth of liquor and eating food. No camera flashing as we pose on anything that pass or see a friend that we only see on the road come carnival time. They'll be no cussin for people to hurry up we ready to leave. No laughing at who forgot to put on sunblock or who put on someone else's boy shorts. Sigh.... No meet super blue or wild ants. No Bacchanal... no tusty ....no sunburn....sigh....

Play Pretend

2009-02-18T18:50:00.004-05:00

I've been doing that well since the year has been running. Pretending that I'm good. It works some days, other days it's hard. I'm not a pretentious person, so for me to have to act as though sometimes really upsets me. The past two weeks have been... I can't seem to find the words to describe.

Last week I went three days with NO sleep. I woke up on Monday at 2am and was unable to sleep until Wednesday when the doctor saw me. I would be sitting in bed, laying in bed, walking around the apartment. I watched so many movies in that stretch of time. I drank all kinds of tea possible. Sleep never came. By Wednesday my body was in survival mode. Movements were limited. Brain function was at a low. Patience went to negative numbers. Sigh. I had so much things on my mind that wasn't helping my insomnia. Finally, $300 I was prescribed some sleep aid and didn't even need to fill the prescription before I was knocked out on my friend's couch. My body could take no more. I slept for 3 hours. The first sleep in 72 hours. It was nothing. I woke up in pain, confused, head aching, depressed. Sigh. 5 hours later I got another 2 hours sleep. Slowly i got back into a schedule of getting few hours at a time.

At nights now I try to pretend everything is ok with me so that I can sleep. But really, how much longer can I pretend? The fear of not sleeping actually makes me will my brain that "everything is ok".

I need to get out of this PLAY!!!

Argghhh

2009-02-06T14:42:00.002-05:00

Honestly my blog is getting a little too much LIKE ME! Every morning I wake up it's something. When I think things have settled and doing good, something comes and throws me for a curve. Again today I woke up to someone asking me "What's wrong with your Blog". Again I was clueless. And again the bandwidth from photo bucket was exceeded. So yunno what... I'mma go basic. This is probably what I need to do with my real life.

So once again, and I hope for the last time, my blog has a new look. And I hope it lasts.

Gooooo Heat!!!

2009-02-03T23:34:00.006-05:00

I was fortunate to get a free ticket to go see the Miami Heat Vs LA Clippers game yesterday. I was pretty excited. It was my first ever professional game experience. The thing is I am no Big supporter of the Miami heat. Infact, most times I support the opposing team regardless of who they are just because. I am though, a Dwayne Wade fan. And NOT a Dwayne Wade the basketballer fan. *giggles*. I was also excited to see Beasley. Ten years younger than I was, with a almost "missing some screws" look still had me intrigued. Off we go, late as usual.

By the time we get to the American Airlines arena game is in full swing. We get searched, get in, locate the bar, find out seats (which were pretty good too) and got into the game. As I said before, I am not a HUGE basketball fan, I like sports. I've played since I was seven and know that being a sports(wo)man is an experience by itself. The showmanship and camraderie amongst the members and especially between Wayde and Beasley was amazing. It was like those two were synced. One knew what the other was going to do before the other even thought about it, giving the clippers a harder time in the midst of already hostile fans.

That leads me to another thing. Fans and their hostility. I understand that the Clippers are from out of town. They were unable to bring their supporters but lawd, to be mean just because amazes me. Lol. I got so much stink eyes from people when I clapped when they did a good layout. I realised that my life was better if I just stayed quite. One lady Vs over 1000 angry fans would not be a good result

The only bad thing about this experience is that my camera battery died after I took a movie of the Heat Dancers. They are another story. I swear whenever they came on, all the males moved forward in their seat. How you could dance in 1/2" shorts and tops, with boots amazes me and I've been dancing since I was three years.

After the game (the Heat won) we were given the opportunity to go meet a player. Who? I asked all excited. Fixing my hair. James Jones. WHO? Lol. Hey I did say I don't know much about the team. After some tough security we eventually got to meet Jones, saw Wade close up, Beasley past (seriously he looks a little special) we were out the gates. It was a good experience and I am willing to go again. Atleast I'll know one more player this time.

Terror

2009-01-29T20:18:00.002-05:00

So I woke up this morning with a stomach virus. Or should I say the stomach virus woke me at 4am. I thought nothing of the loud noises my stomach was making and the nausea I was kinda feeling at that time. I just blamed it on the Wendy's nuggets I ate at 12am. While eating them I thought they weren't cooked, but you know Ms. Greedy.

At 8am I was in hell. The only signs of sickness i show is usually vomiting. I throw up when anything happens. My mom dubbed me iron belly since I was a kid, cause no matter what I just vomited when I was sick and back to games. Today was a whole new ball game. At one point I was just throwing up air. Thank god nothing can leak from my ears. For hours I was confined to one area of the bathroom. By 1pm I had the feeling of fire in my legs. By 5pm, my back and my legs belonged to someone else. And it still does. As a result of so much dehydration my body is starting to cramp up. The pain is unexplainable. I ave really really bad periods, this is NOTHING like it. All I could do today was roll around in my bed. Nothing was easing anything. My head was on fire. Right now I'm typing to take my mind off of my lower body pain. My body is shot. I havent eaten. Im afraid to. My sister thank God brought me some pediolyte that the pharmacist suggested. But the pain in my lower body is ecruciating. I'm thinking if there is no ease by 11pm I have to go to the hospital. I'm starting to feel like my legs are going numb.

I won't wish this on anyone. I'm not even sure how I got it. It can be transmitted in the air or it could be the food I ate. Who knows. I just know I need this pain to end. I can't take any painkillers because I haven't eaten. What to do?? Lord knows if tomorrow is anything like today, I won't have the energy to push through. And they say tomorrow may not be any better. Sigh...

Tagggggggeeeed

2009-01-28T14:50:00.003-05:00

So I was tagged by GirlBlue, who I am upset with cause she has gone on a long trip down the islands. Can I really come up with 20 little known things about me?

1. I went to college on a tennis scholarship. Everytime I mention that to someone who has met me in the only the last 3 years they get this weird look on their face, like "Ah yea sure". I always have to laugh. Yea I'm lazy has heck now, but I used to be on a tennis court playing matches for 3 hours. I also did track, netball, some hockey.

2. I am a heartfelt romantic. I love anything that has to do with positive emotions, love. (I hate valentines though... but that's for another post). But I don't always get that back...lol

3. I eat a lot. But that may be a known fact. Ihave not gained a pound in 2 years... but I have gone up some clothes sizes...weird!!!

4. I am a shy person

5. I am afraid of heights

6. I am a dramatic claustraphobic

7. I am meticulous. My mom won't agree.

8. My dream is to be a travelling chef.

9. Crowds are not my thing. I pick and choose which massive crowd I would be able to deal with.

10. I give all of who I am to my friends.

11. I don't make friends easily.

12. I drink a lot.

13. I spend WAY too much time with my laptop.

14. I'm under apperciated.

15. I am my mother's second mole. Or should I say she's my first...lol

16. I get hurt easily. I think because I still beleive in that "Treat me as I treat you" bullshit.

17. I am a music lover. And I have to have it organized. I spend hours sitting cateogrizing my genre, year, album covers, searching the interent to make sure the information is correct. I hate to see "Unknown" on my list.

18. I make up my mind in 2 seconds FLAT.

19. I love too hard.

20. I have a lot of things about me to share.

I tag
The traveling posters: While at post Girls
Scene

Emotional Rollercoaster

2009-01-28T14:15:00.004-05:00

So I found out something yesterday that really threw me for a loop. When i first saw it, I had to read it over like 10 times to really make sure what I was seeing was what was there. I was in SHOCK. I don't know why that was my initial reaction. I think I laughed for a bit in between but eventually the reaction was just SHOCK. Not a good shock either.

I sat and I thought about it. I didn't even respond to the initial comment really. I stepped back and I thought about it ALL night. I had a restless night and as soon as I turned over that was the thing on my mind. When I work this morning the shock was turned to hurt. I think that's what my real reaction was initially. Here was a situation that I as I thought about it I felt used. I didn't get the details. I didn't ask any questions. There was no whys, no explanation given. To me, I felt like it was a "just so you know" moment. I feel like my feelings weren't thought about in this situation. At points I question if I was set up. Does an "accident" happen on more than one occasion? Was it an accident? I have so much questions that I guess I need to get answered before I feel like I'm feeling. I feel betrayed kinda. As I write this it's sinking in some more. I want to ask someone if I'm over reacting, but I really am scared to explain what happened.

I just think that somethings are sacred to special people and my area was entered. And entered without my consent. I'm not sure if that is the main issue or the fact that it was just so slightly mentioned and just might not have been that sacred to others. I'm hurt though. And I didn't do anything wrong, I think. And why was this told to me now?

I don't know what to do next. I'm unsure how to feel. I think this may change how things are in a lot of situations. I kind of feel dirty, embarrassed, ashamed, hurt. I don't know how to feel. Lol.. can I say that again?! Sigh.

The one person I felt wouldn't hurt me....

Ok.. I see me heading into another emotion soon.....

WOW!!

2009-01-28T09:57:00.000-05:00

It has been a CRAZY week. I HATE group projects. Worse yet when all the people are all over the dam world. I have been working feverishly to get my website out and back up after an attack on my servers where I LOST 3 years worth of information. Then a little maccoo informs me that my blog skin is in a mess...lol. So now I have to fix this. Then I ... sigh.. I doh even know what to say about that next then nah.

I've been busy. Last night I slept for 2 hours. I have sooo much stuff to do today I'm afraid that I can't get it done before the day is done. Sigh. And my mind is all over the place so concentration would be at 50%. Arrgghhhh.... WOW!!!

Humph

2009-01-24T22:11:00.001-05:00

At this point, no words can say what's going on with me.
I can't begin to say.
The one places I go for comfort seems have been taken away.
All I can do I guess is continue to pray.

Compromise

2009-01-23T17:24:00.000-05:00

How much are you willing to compromise? For anything?

I think compromising is something that everyone needs to do at some point in their life. Compromising in some situations are for people to be able to live better with each other at some point I guess. In relationships, where two different persons come together, compromise is a must by both parties. Well most times. Sometimes somebody doesn't want to compromise and it says a lot about who they are.

There are somethings I may have been willing to compromise on in earlier relationships. Willing to take somethings or get rid of somethings, or don't do somethings. I think though when you start to not feel like yourself because of these compromises then I think it's no longer a compromise.

I refuse to compromise on:

My happiness.
My partner and I doing things together and building memories. If I have to resort to doing that with someone else then I guess you're not to be my partner. lol
My dreams/aspirations. I suppose sometimes timings have to adjust but I would still hope for the encouragement to get things that I wanted done.
Love... without it what's a relationship?
Respect

I can probably adjust other things, but those things are the core of who I am and what I beleive in. And though I may think that I could get less of those things and survive I can't. I won't. I refuse to compromise ME.

I dedicate this... to Tobago.

2009-01-22T16:45:00.000-05:00

I know I'm in soca mode right now... but this John legend song I LOVESSS!!!

This Time Lyrics

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
It’s starting to hit me
Now you’re not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It’s so crystal clear now
That I need you here now
I got to get you back today

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
Giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be a man
I can be all you need
This time is all of me

I hit the bar every night
Looking to score a good time
It’s not like I planed it
We left empty handed
I’m still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
Cuz I need you back by my side

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
Giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be a man
I can be all you need
This time is all of me

Last time I wasn’t sure
This time I will give you more
I’m more mature
I’ll show you
Last time I didn’t know
I messed up and let you go
I need you, don’t say no
Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
Pick up the phone
Won’t you come home?

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
Giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be a man
I can be all you need
This time is all of me

~ This Time, John Legend, Evolver

Choices

2009-01-22T11:46:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt that you're trying your best to make someone in your life happy but you keep falling short? Like you're trying so hard to make the best decision in situations and you always seem to pick the wrong option. You take the time and think about the options, you pick what you think is best, and it turns out to be the wrong thing. What sucks about it is that you actually sat and contemplated on the choice and then it's the wrong one. It's quite frustrating. If I didn't think about it and just chose something then it would probably be better...sigh.

Sigh

2009-01-20T22:11:00.000-05:00

Yesterday seems so far away... like it was... YESTERDAY. Yesterday was an utter day from hell for me. At one point I was planning my funeral. While I spent ALL day in bed trying my best to find my footing, I had time to reminisce.

I remembered when I just started having my period. I can't recall at what age it started, I know I was already in High School. I don't recall either my reaction the first time it came. I have 2 older sisters and about 8 female cousins, so it wouldn't have been much of a shock reaction. I do remember that I never really knew when it would come. Those people who counted their 21 days on a calender, I was jealous of. I would count my 21 days and 15 days later still waiting. Sometimes I wouldnt even make it to 21. Some months I wouldnt even get a visit from mother nature. It was the most unpredictable thing ever. Even though the actual presence was iffy, I always had the symptoms. Infact I was symptom free for one week in a month. For the other three weeks I would be bloated, moody, nauseous, tired, having shortness of breath. Then I started to get really bad headaches that eventually turned into extremem migraines. Migraines that would knock me out for days. They attempted to prescribe meds for my migraines. After taking me to the higest migraine meds possible and me almost hospitalized from it I was given alternative medication. Then they suggested that I may have a hormone problem which could be the cause for said symptoms. Then they discovered my ovarian cysts.

Sigh. Well the cysts discovered me initaly It's funny. My period pains would paralyze me. One time my aunt called in a prescription for pain for me at a Walgreens and I had to go myself to get it filled. My sister was driving and I was attacked by a pain burst and I grabbed her hand. I could have sworn I broke it. This other time, I remembered crawling to the bathroom because I was home alone, the next thing i remembered was my sister's dog licking my face. I had no idea how long I was passed out for. I just know all I could remember was that i wanted to get to the bathroom at one point. When i eventually got to the ER it was confirmed that my cyst had erupted. Again another bout of heavy medication and numerous doctor visits. Everybody with a different idea to "fix" things. I have an introverted uterus. I have this. I have that.

I know what I have what can I do to fix it. The bottom line came that I needed to get some extra hormones. So the pill was given. And it seemed to work for a bit. My period came like clock work, symptoms to a minimum. No more gravol. Well until yesterday. I was back in High School. Colours spinning, swollen breasts, swollen stomach, had to take gravol, pain meds, midol, ginger ale. PAIN like NO OTHER. What's going on?

I'm tired taking meds. Besides the pill and other meds, my doctor wants to give me Meds for my moods. Apparently my body doesn't work well in that department either. I'm TIRED taking medication. I'm tired feeling sick. It's a double sided sword. Take the meds and feel sick from the meds. Don't take them and be sick from the Red Devil.

Everytime I say I want to stop, my mom gives me the stink eye. Lol. You think you can handle it? I can't be on this meds for ever can I? Sigh... and everybody says "When you make a baby it will stop". Dey sure??

Just in case you missed it!!!

2009-01-20T18:32:00.000-05:00

My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. All this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them— that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on the ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence— the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world...that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive ... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

- President Obama's Speech. January 20th 2008. Taken from MSNBC.com

Let these people know...

2009-01-19T22:54:00.000-05:00

"Tell them I am not my father
Bad like him, but let the truth be told
Like me there will be no other

This is not a joke
Who God bless, no man put asunder
If you don't beleive that this is true...
Meet Superblue"

I have not been much of a Fay Ann Lyons fan, but I think she pick teh wrong year to have some hot songs and be pregnant. This song is the BIZNESS..

Meet Super Blue - Fayann Lyons Alvarez

Self Adjustment

2009-01-18T10:00:00.000-05:00

If I could change one thing about myself it would be how much of myself I give to people. I can't help it. It's something that has caused me a lot of turmoil, continues to cause me turmoil and something I want to stop causing me turmoil. Lol. It's hard to try to pull yourself from being your full self with people. It's like trying to fight being who you are. I'll start doing something and then have to stop myself because I said "I wasn't going to give that person that much of me anymore".

Why do I want to adjust? Because people don't do the same with me. The extra effort isn't reciprocated. I continue to get treated like "whatever, Penz would adjust, I can give her any bullshit excuse for anything and she'll continue respecting me and looking out for me." It's getting really tiring though. I would get disappointed in some way and I would continue to try my hardest not to disappoint. Or if I do, I'm very apologetic about it.

So pulling back myself would be the best thing, but it's also the hardest thing. My nature is to be there, give 100%. To have to give 60% requires a lot of work and concentration. But which is worth more?

Today...

2009-01-17T13:13:00.001-05:00

started off as a good day. So why am I now in tears? Steups. First I was really annoyed. I'm getting so tired of this dam badgering by people. Some just don't get the point. Badger, badger badger. I dunno what else I have to say for you to understand that you're annoying to me now. Wait, I think I've said it to you before so I dunno what else has to be said. Then the annoyance was met with disappointment from something else.

Then I got pissed. Some folks are so caught up in the material things and how things and people look and appear to be that they seem to not see people for who they are. What's the big deal with trying to make other people think a certain way about you because of how you look? When it comes down to it, does it really matter?

Sigh, steups. I am just really annoyed!!!

Long Distance

2009-01-14T18:49:00.000-05:00

There's only so many songs that i can sing to pass the time
and I'm running out of things to do to get you off my mind (oh whoa)
all I have is this picture in a frame (oh ah)
that I hold close to see your face everyday

With you is where i'd rather be
but we're stuck where we are
it's so hard, your so far..
this long distance is killing me
I wish that you are here with me
but were stuck where we are
it's so hard, your so far.. (so hard, your so far..)
this long distance is killing me

it's so hard, it's so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far
this long distance is killing me
it's so hard, it's so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far
(so hard, so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far)
this long distance is killing me

Now the minutes feel like hours
and the hours feel like days.. (whoa oh whoa)
while I'm away (way-ayyyy)
you know right now I cant be home (ahhhhhh)
but I'm coming home soon (ahhhhhh)
coming home soon.. (ahhhhhh a hahhh)
all I have is this picture in a frame (ahhhhh)
that I hold close to see your face everyday

With you is where i'd rather be (where I'd rather be..)
but were stuck where we are (oh oh)
it's so hard, (oh ah) your so far.. (oh ahhh)
this long distance is killing me
I wish that you are here with me (you are here with me)
but were stuck where we are (oh oh)
it's so hard, (oh ah) your so far.. (oh ahhh)
[Long Distance Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
Can you hear me crying?
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh (ohh-oh ohh-oh)
Can you hear me crying? (oh-oh ah!)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh (ohh-oh ohh-oh)
Can you hear me crying? (oh-oh ah!)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh (ohh-oh ohh-oh)
ooooh woo whoa ah ahhhhhhh oh ahhh (oh-oh ah!)
uh ahhh uh ahhh whoaooooohh ah (ohh-oh ohh-oh)

With you is where i'd rather be (where I'd rather be..) whoaaaa!
(but were stuck where we are) oh!
(it's so hard) so hard (your so far) so far
(this long distance is killing me) this long distance is killing me
I wish that you are here with me (you are here with me) meee..
(but were stuck where we are) stuck where we are! so hard! so far
this long distance is killing me

it's so hard, it's so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far
this long distance is killing me
it's so hard, it's so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far
(so hard, so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far)
this long distance is killing me

There's only so many songs that i can sing to pass the time...

Thanks to I Am...A Long Distance Away

- Long Distance, Brandy

Memories

2009-01-14T10:54:00.000-05:00

So my birthday is creeping up. I sit and remember my last birthday and all the hullabaloo. Lol. I remember being so upset at my cousin for wanting to go home to change when I was soo geared up to go get drinks and eat wings with her and my mom. I was PO when we got to the house for her to change and she moving slow as snails and mommy sending me to turn on the light. Wuh de hell we need light for when we not staying long? I walking to the light cussing bout "light for what, light for what..." when the following happens (Sorry it's kinda dark):

Oh to have something like that again for this birthday, with all my friends and family.

Tomorrow is...

2009-01-13T14:05:00.000-05:00

or better be..BRACES COME OFF DAY.

I wrote a recap of my life with braces HERE. Well as can be seen my December take off date was pushed back by my orthodontist cause he insisted he was still seeing a little space at the top. I wasn't seeing a space but I guess I don't have M.D after my name. So after much back and forth. Me telling him that I don't care about space at the top anymore... TAKE THEM OFF. And he telling me he's not cause when he does and I see a space I will be upset. At the end of the appointment, I had braces still on and rubber bands on the top alone. In addition I was to wear up/down rubber bands for the net month. Uhm.

One more month, and I wore no dam rubber bands. I am utterly tired of these dam things in my mouth. Lol. Just one more month yes, but I could not take it for just one more month. I was going crazy. I had already broken a few brackets eating things I was not suppose to. One more month, was sending me up a wall.

Tomorrow I will learn if my lack of discipline for just one more month will result in my orthodontist walking around with a big braces bite on his hand. I swear, if he tells me ONE MORE MONTH with these things I am going to resort to physical emotions. And I know he knows I would too. So for his life I think he should take them off.

I keep saying I don't see much changes in my face but I realise there are some. Well, I can see that my teeth are straighter down. They also appear smaller, which I hate. No one really recognizes me lol. I went to my uncles house for thanksgiving and 10 mins later everyone was like "Wait is Penze!" *rolleye*

This is me before braces and a pic taken last week:

So I'm READY!! READY!! And Dr. Smith better be ready to take them off or to take on a BITE!!!

EDIT: My hair has surely grown though... lol

To Be Able To Choose

2009-01-13T13:25:00.000-05:00

It probably comes easy for most people to see themselves choosing their partner at their own free will and going thru the normal courting process of seeing if this is the right person for them. Dealing with the ups and downs on relationships as a couple. But for some that is a luxury.

I was missing a friend for a few days, trying to contact her all the way in India. She spent a good part of her life in Tobago. As I think about it, I'm not even sure what age she came to Tobago at but she was there for her High School years for sure. We played tennis together. Her parents are from India. Both Doctors. Both follow the strict principles of their country. So in other words my friend and her brother were also heading for the field of medicine. It was destined.

We lost contact over the years, even though we were in the same state at one point. Thanks to Facebook we were able to ketch up and the natural friendship we had just returned. Based on her pictures over the years, she had fallen into the "World" quite nicely. She was in India (sign #1) in her last year of her work time in the hospita (sign #2).

Anyway, after a few tries I wake up this morning to an email from her. ALL distraught. She had attempted to contact me before but I guess something didn't connect. Her parents found out she was living with her boyfriend and moved her from her apartment, her friends, her final year at that hospital to go live with her grandmother. Oh they also sent with her two body guards. She can't understand why her parents can't understand that they can't arrange her marriage for her. (Her brother just got married also, but I have a feeling his was not an arranged one). He mother says that they should have lived apart for a few months then gotten married. The option of courting for her is out the door. The fact that they have even added bodyguards to her life shows the severity with which her parents are thinking. I feel sorry for her. She was so happy. She felt that this person was THE person. She was about to finish her last year of some tough school times. She was living HER life. But in less than 3 days she was forced to live her parents' life. I won't be surprised if in a month's time she tells me she's married.

I wonder how I would have dealt with those rituals if they were a part of my life? Do my parents know what I want in a mate? Or were they going to go with what's best for me by society standards? Would his income be the deciding factor? Or his ambition? Or his emotional stability? I can't imagine the emotional distress she's going through now.

She's not the first person I've seen taken out of a relationship by their parents. Both Hindus. One I thought would be a more relaxed being that they are from Trinidad more directly than my other friend's family. But it was the same circumstances. Girl #2 was quickly married and moved out of state. She seems happy though.

So the option to choose is not so much of an option for some people. You would think that now, everybody would want their kids to have the option of choice. I guess how they see it is protecting their kids somehow or making the best decision for them. But didn't you raise your kids so that they can make their own sound decisions? And what if your choice happens to be the wrong one? (Girl #2 sisters were also arranged and divorced not long after) How does that affect you and your child's relationship?

I'm glad my parents gave me the option of choice. And though I have made some wrong ones along the way, they were mine.

One Down...

2009-01-12T21:36:00.000-05:00

So we're in the second week of January. The second week of 2009 and things are going good. I've had one break down day that was triggered by me not taking my meds so it doesn't really count.

I'm happy. School is going good and should be great for the next ten weeks. I think I'm really happy with my decisions on how I want to approach this new year and the fact that I have stuck with them so far. It's strange that others have sensed that "Not fighting" stance and seem to want to push me to try extra with things that I'm fed up of. I refuse to get into that zone again cause when it comes down to it, I'm the one that suffers.

What amazes me with life is that some people only react when they think they are about to loose. All year some friends have been acting unfriend like. I kept trying and trying with them, but continued to get hurt. After futile attempts I decided for the new year I wasn't going to try so hard anymore. Surely I was beginning to be a bother, or was attempting to have something that another person didn't want. I didn't want anyone forcing themselves. So I step into '09 to sit back and all attempts are now being made to be FRIENDS again. I'm shocked and even a bit confused. Should I take this re birth of enthusiasm and be the friend or fall into the "too late" mode? What if I decide to return the feelings now and then it get's thrown into my face? Sigh... Life eh.. it's weird.

But I'm enjoying my new weeks and praying everyday that I continue to grow as the time passes.

2008 Lessons

2009-01-09T14:01:00.000-05:00

2008 allowed me to learn a lot about myself. Good things and bad things.

I’ve learnt that:

I have a lot to offer and some people are sometimes blind to that.

My medication makes me an emotional wreck.

I can tolerate things for a long time

Decisions cannot always be made right away.

I consider other people’s feelings a little too much.

Life has this way of stopping you from doing things that you may regret later down.

Happiness for me is love.

Relationships ships for me are love.

Not everyone understands what “I love you” means and stands for.

People cannot hide who they really are for very long. In time their true selves manifest.

Having a few good, supportive friends can power a whole movement.

Living by the credo “Do unto others as they would do unto you” is hard. Sometimes you want to treat people exactly as they treat you.

I cannot forget and it sometimes makes it hard for me to forgive.

Trust is something I hold dearly and once broken changes the whole dynamics.

I appear easily fooled and sometimes gullible.

People doubt my intelligence because I am not a talker.

My intelligence, my dreams and my personality encourages other people to be good people.

Someone can love me forever.

Happy New Year!!!!

2009-01-09T11:04:00.000-05:00

I'm a few days late but hey better late than never.

2009 started out GREAT for me. As I had intended. The day before i was oh so scared because it was a really rough day. Old Years projected to be HORRIBLE and I was really scared that I would be going into 2009 as my 2008 was. I was petrified. But thank God things worked out. It was shaky but by the start of the New Year I was happy and it continued into being a great start.

To date, I am hopeful as everyone is at the beginning of the year. Full of hope and positivity. And I pray that it continues into the year. I have no qualms with there being life learning lessons this year. I'm not afraid of having some challenges, but the extra unnecessary garbage that plagued me for '08 I wont be having. Something I have made clear with EVERYONE.

So here's to a NEW YEAR, a NEW BLOG, new EXPERIENCES!!!