I decided today that I needed to start writing again. So I logged back into my blogger to "catch up". Lo and behold my last post is exactly how I'm feeling today. A little more than a year ago and I'm waiting for another "mark to buss". Only this time I know what the mark is and I pray that it doesn't really buss.

But yea. TODAY I'm in a position that I can't find anyone to talk to about it. I'm afraid to turn to the people I'm accustomed talking to for fear that they would make me realise that how I am feeling about the situation is true and will confirm that I am really hurt and it's not a figment of my imagination. Well that, and that one of the persons that I usually talk to is part of this feeling at the moment. Lol.. weird.

I hope that occupying my time here will take me through this phase as easy as possible.

If I could change one thing about myself it would be how much of myself I give to people. I can't help it. It's something that has caused me a lot of turmoil, continues to cause me turmoil and something I want to stop causing me turmoil. Lol. It's hard to try to pull yourself from being your full self with people. It's like trying to fight being who you are. I'll start doing something and then have to stop myself because I said "I wasn't going to give that person that much of me anymore".

Why do I want to adjust? Because people don't do the same with me. The extra effort isn't reciprocated. I continue to get treated like "whatever, Penz would adjust, I can give her any bullshit excuse for anything and she'll continue respecting me and looking out for me." It's getting really tiring though. I would get disappointed in some way and I would continue to try my hardest not to disappoint. Or if I do, I'm very apologetic about it.

So pulling back myself would be the best thing, but it's also the hardest thing. My nature is to be there, give 100%. To have to give 60% requires a lot of work and concentration. But which is worth more?

So my birthday is creeping up. I sit and remember my last birthday and all the hullabaloo. Lol. I remember being so upset at my cousin for wanting to go home to change when I was soo geared up to go get drinks and eat wings with her and my mom. I was PO when we got to the house for her to change and she moving slow as snails and mommy sending me to turn on the light. Wuh de hell we need light for when we not staying long? I walking to the light cussing bout "light for what, light for what..." when the following happens (Sorry it's kinda dark):




Oh to have something like that again for this birthday, with all my friends and family.

It probably comes easy for most people to see themselves choosing their partner at their own free will and going thru the normal courting process of seeing if this is the right person for them. Dealing with the ups and downs on relationships as a couple. But for some that is a luxury.

I was missing a friend for a few days, trying to contact her all the way in India. She spent a good part of her life in Tobago. As I think about it, I'm not even sure what age she came to Tobago at but she was there for her High School years for sure. We played tennis together. Her parents are from India. Both Doctors. Both follow the strict principles of their country. So in other words my friend and her brother were also heading for the field of medicine. It was destined.

We lost contact over the years, even though we were in the same state at one point. Thanks to Facebook we were able to ketch up and the natural friendship we had just returned. Based on her pictures over the years, she had fallen into the "World" quite nicely. She was in India (sign #1) in her last year of her work time in the hospita (sign #2).

Anyway, after a few tries I wake up this morning to an email from her. ALL distraught. She had attempted to contact me before but I guess something didn't connect. Her parents found out she was living with her boyfriend and moved her from her apartment, her friends, her final year at that hospital to go live with her grandmother. Oh they also sent with her two body guards. She can't understand why her parents can't understand that they can't arrange her marriage for her. (Her brother just got married also, but I have a feeling his was not an arranged one). He mother says that they should have lived apart for a few months then gotten married. The option of courting for her is out the door. The fact that they have even added bodyguards to her life shows the severity with which her parents are thinking. I feel sorry for her. She was so happy. She felt that this person was THE person. She was about to finish her last year of some tough school times. She was living HER life. But in less than 3 days she was forced to live her parents' life. I won't be surprised if in a month's time she tells me she's married.

I wonder how I would have dealt with those rituals if they were a part of my life? Do my parents know what I want in a mate? Or were they going to go with what's best for me by society standards? Would his income be the deciding factor? Or his ambition? Or his emotional stability? I can't imagine the emotional distress she's going through now.

She's not the first person I've seen taken out of a relationship by their parents. Both Hindus. One I thought would be a more relaxed being that they are from Trinidad more directly than my other friend's family. But it was the same circumstances. Girl #2 was quickly married and moved out of state. She seems happy though.

So the option to choose is not so much of an option for some people. You would think that now, everybody would want their kids to have the option of choice. I guess how they see it is protecting their kids somehow or making the best decision for them. But didn't you raise your kids so that they can make their own sound decisions? And what if your choice happens to be the wrong one? (Girl #2 sisters were also arranged and divorced not long after) How does that affect you and your child's relationship?

I'm glad my parents gave me the option of choice. And though I have made some wrong ones along the way, they were mine.

So we're in the second week of January. The second week of 2009 and things are going good. I've had one break down day that was triggered by me not taking my meds so it doesn't really count.

I'm happy. School is going good and should be great for the next ten weeks. I think I'm really happy with my decisions on how I want to approach this new year and the fact that I have stuck with them so far. It's strange that others have sensed that "Not fighting" stance and seem to want to push me to try extra with things that I'm fed up of. I refuse to get into that zone again cause when it comes down to it, I'm the one that suffers.

What amazes me with life is that some people only react when they think they are about to loose. All year some friends have been acting unfriend like. I kept trying and trying with them, but continued to get hurt. After futile attempts I decided for the new year I wasn't going to try so hard anymore. Surely I was beginning to be a bother, or was attempting to have something that another person didn't want. I didn't want anyone forcing themselves. So I step into '09 to sit back and all attempts are now being made to be FRIENDS again. I'm shocked and even a bit confused. Should I take this re birth of enthusiasm and be the friend or fall into the "too late" mode? What if I decide to return the feelings now and then it get's thrown into my face? Sigh... Life eh.. it's weird.

But I'm enjoying my new weeks and praying everyday that I continue to grow as the time passes.