I decided today that I needed to start writing again. So I logged back into my blogger to "catch up". Lo and behold my last post is exactly how I'm feeling today. A little more than a year ago and I'm waiting for another "mark to buss". Only this time I know what the mark is and I pray that it doesn't really buss.

But yea. TODAY I'm in a position that I can't find anyone to talk to about it. I'm afraid to turn to the people I'm accustomed talking to for fear that they would make me realise that how I am feeling about the situation is true and will confirm that I am really hurt and it's not a figment of my imagination. Well that, and that one of the persons that I usually talk to is part of this feeling at the moment. Lol.. weird.

I hope that occupying my time here will take me through this phase as easy as possible.

I'm not having a good day today. In fact I didn't have a good day yesterday either. I'm really really frustrated with so many things all at the same time. I know some people will want to say it's my medication and the fact that there was a mix up and I had to take a generic one instead that makes me sick. But dammit!! It is not. I am truly frustrated.

On Sunday evening I just felt really nervous and anxious about something. Yes something. I can't pin point what I was worried about, but I know my heart was heavy and I really felt like I was starting to hyperventilate. I eventually went to bed and slept for most of the night but woke up the next morning with the same dread feeling. By the time I got to work, I was just waiting to hear the "bad news" whatever it was cause surely my body was preempting some sort of impending danger. Nothing happened but the feeling did not subside until I got home.

This morning...the same thing. I got to work in tears because I just felt like I was on the edge of the cliff and it was giving away. I still feel like I am and nobody is trying to help. I feel like they can't see me and I'm screaming. I tried explaining it to two people but instead of trying to hear what I'm saying it turned into "interview the crazy person". No help.

Yes I have a few things on my mind but never in my life have I felt such heavy dread on my subconscious. None of these issues I have I think should make me feel like this. I'm more worried now about the "news" than the feeling I have right now. Because if I can feel like this and not know what's going on then imagine!! Sigh! The one thing I trust in myself is my gut feeling.



I did though call my Dr to ask him to make sure that I do get my correct medication back. I need to cover all my bases.

Last year at the end of my degree program and some really emotional battles I decided that I was going to fix me first before anything else took place. Fix me meant I was going to take care of the things that I wanted to achieve and make me happy which would include work, emotional stability, less stress. Before I can embark on that fix I was thrown into the world of pain and my new find about my health. This made me even more determined to take care of myself. Hearing a doctor tell you, “If u aren’t careful you run the risk of being paralyzed” can make you see the world from a new set of eyes.

It also didn’t help that most of the things to be done I had to do it on my own. Yes I had a support group but I had to go find $500 to see the neurosurgeon after seeing two other general practitioners for $400 a pop. I had to be the one in the night re-medicating myself. I had to do the pharmacy runs. So I needed all the strength within me to do these things and not cave in. I guess it made me become more self sufficient and lean less and less on people. Yes I had a support team who would gladly assist me in whatever way possible. Not that I would expect any of them to assist with my medical bills but push come to shove anything else I needed assistance with it was possible. But I wanted so much to keep my independence. And I knew that no matter how bad I felt my situation was, other people had issues in their life to deal with and I surely didn’t want to add to any one else’s stress.

Over the next few months I guess I have become self sufficient that I don’t feel the need to even have to talk about what I’m going through with people. I have just been doing ME. I have been working hard on getting ME done: Work, health, life stability. And it seems to be bothering people. And I can’t seem to understand why really. And I can’t seem to think either why they can’t understand what kind of mission I HAVE to be on. After my last scare I really saw that I have NO clue what can happen when it can happen and I refuse to let something happen and I don’t achieve what I want to achieve.

I guess it’s easier for people who are not face with “the possibility” to think that things can run its course, or you have time in your life to get things done. I don’t know. I just know I have all these things I want to do before time runs out. And with the added possibility of unknown health it has made my urge to achieve have a heavier weight in my life. And I cannot understand why someone would want to hold that against me. I am in no way trying to be vindictive to anyone. This isn’t about me hiding anything from anyone. But there is so much of me I can give out without it becoming about someone else, and at this time, IT IS ABOUT ME!! Sorry.

Everyone has their life goals. Why must I try to compromise mine while others do what their goals are?

Am I being selfish??




Say yes till you see me in pain and realize that this shit aint NO JOKE!!

While you're reading this I will be seated in the hall for my graduation. All antsy and jittery and nervous. Not because it's graduation and I don't know one soul graduating (I've done that before) but because I'm actually very worried about sitting down there for at least five hours (we have a rehearsal before the actual grad). Do I take the chance and take my meds before I go there and pray I stay up? Don't take them? Take just the nerve meds? Lol. Seems so trivial eh but can be a major deciding factor in if I actually am able to walk up on that stage and cross it and not have to be assisted or leave. Sigh.

But back to graduation lol. I have been trying to down play it. I actually finished my degree last year, but my happy self was so glad to take a trip. While I was on said trip I realized that the grad ceremony was going on as I checked. Lmao. My mother was not too happy about that. I wasn't too interested in doing the ceremony but as I think about it now, I'm excited about it. I've worked really really hard. I was the only female in my year and entering a new, male dominated work force. It was a push and a shove and a push to deal with some of my professors and classmates but I have had great results and need to celebrate it. (I keep my geekdom quiet lol) Especially in the midst of all the other things that were going on in my life.

So tomorrow I celebrate success. And it starts off a great weekend where I plan to celebrate life, health, good friends and my love for music. (Mr. Pain you better go on vacation)