I have gotten to the point where I feel like my life has been at a standstill for too long. I have had NO goals accomplished in the last two years (IMO) and for the first time in my life I feel like I am “wasting time”. Or that time is passing by and I’m just not getting on the train. Yes I am being crippled due to a few external factors but surely I must have something going on that will encourage me that some kind of forward movement is happening.

The last couple of weeks have really allowed me to focus on what I may need to do for some preferably upward movement, but in fact any kind of movement at all is welcomed. I have given myself two months for things to come together somewhat. Or for me to put things together as best as I can. My educational goals have been stunted half by myself and so I therefore need to get myself up and on that. I actually think that with that going on I wouldn’t feel like I’m failing. At least, that is ALL me. And if in two months there is no movement, then I think I start over somewhere else.

I really just wish the plans I have now would just come together: educational goals, relationship goals and other personal life goals. I’m ready for a settled, or as close to settled as possible, and consistent movement with my life. And no matter how I try to get things in place for that it seems to just fall on the side. And though I can’t control everything I really think I need to take the reins on what I can control and get on it. And let all the other unsure things fall to the side.

Your parents are the one set of people (for the most part) that you expect to always have held at the highest esteem. These are the people who brought you into the world. And for the most part have taken care of you. But what happens when this "image" is shattered?

My own experience has led me on quite a cycle. This was another big situation that I dealt with myself. My father and I never had the perfect relationship. The majority memories of him as a child is either him annoyed, angry, irrational, snoring. In no way was he an alcoholic or abusive but compared to my memories of my mother with field trips, being at my tennis matches and dance recitals his were quite gloomy. As a result he became "just there" for me as I got older. I know he would reprimand me if I did something wrong. I expected that from him for sure.

By 16/17 it started to turn to despise and by the time I was 18 I really really felt that I just didn't want him around anymore. The situation that happened then was not handled properly IMO. As an adult, with adult kids at that time, a punk move was taken and not only was I upset, I was extremely disappointed that he couldn't be a man about the situation and deal with us as adults.

By the time I came back from college it was an all out war. I didn't even want to hear my father speak at times. I remember one holiday I was leaving on my many trips to the US and I just left. Well I did say I was leaving but I just said bye and walked out. And my father was mighty upset and started a hissy fit that led to tears. I was unmoved. You have no respect for me as a person, I'm not going to want to have anything to do with you really. And it continued like that for quite some time.

I just couldn't get over that my father could not respect the people he had around him enough to offer an proper explanation on the situation. I felt like my siblings just took what happened and threw it over their shoulder and kept moving. I guess being the youngest I didn't learn yet that sometimes it's not worth it. And it wasn't. No matter how I felt, things would not change. No matter how rude I was, how disrespectful, how nonchalant and uncaring the whole situation stays the same.

Eventually I just decided it wasn't worth it anymore. I wasn't forgetting it though. And we came to an unspoken decision NOT to include me in anything that is linked to what happened. Do not speak to me about it or attempt for me to make any kind of movement towards accepting it.

Now, our relationship is ok for the most part. Our conversations do not last for more than 10 mins. I feel like as my parent I am obligated to assist him when needed and I always do. Irrational he still is, but as I've gotten older I've learnt to take people for who they are and now what I would like them to be and communicate as such.

And as I see more people around me being disappointed by their parents in some way or the other, I wish as a child we could learn from early that though we may see them as the giants that they are, we must remember that they are only human too.

I am sure sleep would not be visiting me tonight. I have so much going on around me right now. My brain is on extreme ramble.

I always feel like when it's on this channel it always has to get to black out before I start to get proper reception again. I think it's going to last through the week. Besides the emotional cloud right now I also have to deal with making some tough decisions professionally in a few days. And based on how I'm feeling right now I may be leaning more to relocating than staying.

I feel like sometimes I'm ready to spread myself thin being there for others but sometimes unable to give myself the same strength to be there for myself. Or even to let ppl be there for me. I always think other ppl have their own shit to deal with and so I just deal.

But I think I have a little too much going on right now for me to "just deal" alone. But Im afraid to turn to someone right now. I love my friends/family to death but I feel like I need unbiased ears and unhoneyed lips.

*Big Sigh*

I guess it's one day at a time.