“The angry boy a bit too insane Icing over a secret pain You know you don’t belong You’re the first to fight Your’re way too loud You’re the flash of light on a burial shroud”

I am soooo tired…
Tired of laughing
Tired of trying
Tired of crying, cringing, always, always hurting.I am such a good actress that no one
Knows when I’m joking
No one knows the real me
I’m always pretending
Always trying to be.

Right now I’m weary
I have lost all my tears
All my fears… Not!
They have not dissipated
They have just been covered
By the glamour, the glitter … the pain

Who am I?
What am I?
Nobody takes me for who I really am
Everybody wants me to be their actress
Everybody wants to be the Director of the show
But haven’t I progressed enough to become my own?
Haven’t I earned the role?

Time is passing and I haven’t gotten old
No longer do I have the energy to fight
To let you know that I nbeed to be acknowledged for who I AM
Not what you see, or hope for me to be
No longer do I think it is possible to defend
I have given up …
And it hurts.

I was rewarded, but
Complacency was not one of my goals
But I have accepted it with all the glamour and glitter that acompanies it
Will I, the weary one, be able to go on…

How would you ever know?
I have been acting all my life, haven’t I?
But I don’t think I can go on…
Right now I am just tired. SIGH!!

“I wish you could step back from that ledge my friend
YOu could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if u do not want to see me again
I would understand”

I expect to pass through this world
but ONCE
Any good, therefore
That I can do,
or any kindness
I can show to a fellow human being
Let me do it…
NOW…
let me not deter it,
nor neglect it …
For I shall not pass this way again…

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
For my book yes I’ll be the writer
Blaze up yuh fire, I say raise yuh lighter, brighter
Find the strength within your heart
And with love you’ll find your path
I know the road seems hard for so
Dream yuh dreams and don’t let go
Cause some of them want to fight you down
Some of them want to see you crawl
Some of them rather see you on the ground
Some ah dem, some ah dem
Some of them hate what they don’t know
All we need is love to grow

For the the dreams

For your life

For your soul
Let your power come forward
And I’m done with yesterday
And I’m sure I will find my way
Life it keeps moving on
So I’ve got to cease this moment,
And I won’t be afraidI am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
For my book yes I’ll be the writer
Blaze up yuh fire, I say raise yuh lighter, brighter
Find the strength within your heart

And with love you’ll find your path
I know the road seems hard for so,

But dream yuh dreams and don’t let go
Some of them want to see you fail
Some of them fail their wind has changed
Some of them hide behind a smiling face,
Some ah dem, some ah dem
Some of them feed upon your tears
They’ve been doing that for years
Tell me when will it end

Don’t pretend
That everything is alright
I refuse to be the one to take the fall
And if I take this stand today

I make a better way
So someone else could sayI am a lion
Yes I am a fighter

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter

Find the strength within your heart
Dreams, Life, Your soul, Let the power control

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
Blaze up yuh fire I say raise yuh lighter, brighter

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
For your Dreams,

For you Life,

For your soul,

Let your power controlI am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
Blaze up yuh fire I say raise yuh lighter, brighter
We are so much stronger than we know
For Dreams, Life, Your soul,
Let your power control

“Kees The Band - Lion”

You're funny. Don't know what's the point, but I'll ride it out and see.

In the past few years I have lived from carnival to carnival. The season for me started a few months after the other one ended. I started gathering the crew, asking about costume ideas, colours, forcing them to start to gather their down payment monies. I became the obsessed haggler. The person who just needed to hear "I think I want to play mas" and immediately you were included in the "crew" to be on the road. My students would be anxiously waiting to know what section Miss get into so that they can look for me on tv. My co workers would be moving my calendar from my desk and telling me to SHUT UP about the costume already. My mom would be covering her ears and my dad would be informing me quite strongly that he not going back to no mascamp again to collect no costume AGAIN. No one was left untouched.

This year, I quietly decided that carnival was out. Well I didn't have much choice really considering. How was I going to pay for costume and all the other things that accompany having a costume, fetes, plane tickets, outfits....? So it was out. And it was going well. No one else really was partaking as we all opted for a return in 2010. So there was no one important really to be jealous of on the road come Monday and Tuesday. I was doing good to suppress the feelings. Until today.

I'm getting anxiety attacks at the thoughts that on Monday I'll be laying in bed when I could be chipping on the road. I would not be decked off in some cute outfit drinking my money's worth of liquor and eating food. No camera flashing as we pose on anything that pass or see a friend that we only see on the road come carnival time. They'll be no cussin for people to hurry up we ready to leave. No laughing at who forgot to put on sunblock or who put on someone else's boy shorts. Sigh.... No meet super blue or wild ants. No Bacchanal... no tusty ....no sunburn....sigh....

I've been doing that well since the year has been running. Pretending that I'm good. It works some days, other days it's hard. I'm not a pretentious person, so for me to have to act as though sometimes really upsets me. The past two weeks have been... I can't seem to find the words to describe.

Last week I went three days with NO sleep. I woke up on Monday at 2am and was unable to sleep until Wednesday when the doctor saw me. I would be sitting in bed, laying in bed, walking around the apartment. I watched so many movies in that stretch of time. I drank all kinds of tea possible. Sleep never came. By Wednesday my body was in survival mode. Movements were limited. Brain function was at a low. Patience went to negative numbers. Sigh. I had so much things on my mind that wasn't helping my insomnia. Finally, $300 I was prescribed some sleep aid and didn't even need to fill the prescription before I was knocked out on my friend's couch. My body could take no more. I slept for 3 hours. The first sleep in 72 hours. It was nothing. I woke up in pain, confused, head aching, depressed. Sigh. 5 hours later I got another 2 hours sleep. Slowly i got back into a schedule of getting few hours at a time.

At nights now I try to pretend everything is ok with me so that I can sleep. But really, how much longer can I pretend? The fear of not sleeping actually makes me will my brain that "everything is ok".

I need to get out of this PLAY!!!

Honestly my blog is getting a little too much LIKE ME! Every morning I wake up it's something. When I think things have settled and doing good, something comes and throws me for a curve. Again today I woke up to someone asking me "What's wrong with your Blog". Again I was clueless. And again the bandwidth from photo bucket was exceeded. So yunno what... I'mma go basic. This is probably what I need to do with my real life.

So once again, and I hope for the last time, my blog has a new look. And I hope it lasts.

I was fortunate to get a free ticket to go see the Miami Heat Vs LA Clippers game yesterday. I was pretty excited. It was my first ever professional game experience. The thing is I am no Big supporter of the Miami heat. Infact, most times I support the opposing team regardless of who they are just because. I am though, a Dwayne Wade fan. And NOT a Dwayne Wade the basketballer fan. *giggles*. I was also excited to see Beasley. Ten years younger than I was, with a almost "missing some screws" look still had me intrigued. Off we go, late as usual.

By the time we get to the American Airlines arena game is in full swing. We get searched, get in, locate the bar, find out seats (which were pretty good too) and got into the game. As I said before, I am not a HUGE basketball fan, I like sports. I've played since I was seven and know that being a sports(wo)man is an experience by itself. The showmanship and camraderie amongst the members and especially between Wayde and Beasley was amazing. It was like those two were synced. One knew what the other was going to do before the other even thought about it, giving the clippers a harder time in the midst of already hostile fans.

That leads me to another thing. Fans and their hostility. I understand that the Clippers are from out of town. They were unable to bring their supporters but lawd, to be mean just because amazes me. Lol. I got so much stink eyes from people when I clapped when they did a good layout. I realised that my life was better if I just stayed quite. One lady Vs over 1000 angry fans would not be a good result

The only bad thing about this experience is that my camera battery died after I took a movie of the Heat Dancers. They are another story. I swear whenever they came on, all the males moved forward in their seat. How you could dance in 1/2" shorts and tops, with boots amazes me and I've been dancing since I was three years.

After the game (the Heat won) we were given the opportunity to go meet a player. Who? I asked all excited. Fixing my hair. James Jones. WHO? Lol. Hey I did say I don't know much about the team. After some tough security we eventually got to meet Jones, saw Wade close up, Beasley past (seriously he looks a little special) we were out the gates. It was a good experience and I am willing to go again. Atleast I'll know one more player this time.