Play Pretend

I've been doing that well since the year has been running. Pretending that I'm good. It works some days, other days it's hard. I'm not a pretentious person, so for me to have to act as though sometimes really upsets me. The past two weeks have been... I can't seem to find the words to describe.

Last week I went three days with NO sleep. I woke up on Monday at 2am and was unable to sleep until Wednesday when the doctor saw me. I would be sitting in bed, laying in bed, walking around the apartment. I watched so many movies in that stretch of time. I drank all kinds of tea possible. Sleep never came. By Wednesday my body was in survival mode. Movements were limited. Brain function was at a low. Patience went to negative numbers. Sigh. I had so much things on my mind that wasn't helping my insomnia. Finally, $300 I was prescribed some sleep aid and didn't even need to fill the prescription before I was knocked out on my friend's couch. My body could take no more. I slept for 3 hours. The first sleep in 72 hours. It was nothing. I woke up in pain, confused, head aching, depressed. Sigh. 5 hours later I got another 2 hours sleep. Slowly i got back into a schedule of getting few hours at a time.

At nights now I try to pretend everything is ok with me so that I can sleep. But really, how much longer can I pretend? The fear of not sleeping actually makes me will my brain that "everything is ok".

I need to get out of this PLAY!!!