While you're reading this I will be seated in the hall for my graduation. All antsy and jittery and nervous. Not because it's graduation and I don't know one soul graduating (I've done that before) but because I'm actually very worried about sitting down there for at least five hours (we have a rehearsal before the actual grad). Do I take the chance and take my meds before I go there and pray I stay up? Don't take them? Take just the nerve meds? Lol. Seems so trivial eh but can be a major deciding factor in if I actually am able to walk up on that stage and cross it and not have to be assisted or leave. Sigh.

But back to graduation lol. I have been trying to down play it. I actually finished my degree last year, but my happy self was so glad to take a trip. While I was on said trip I realized that the grad ceremony was going on as I checked. Lmao. My mother was not too happy about that. I wasn't too interested in doing the ceremony but as I think about it now, I'm excited about it. I've worked really really hard. I was the only female in my year and entering a new, male dominated work force. It was a push and a shove and a push to deal with some of my professors and classmates but I have had great results and need to celebrate it. (I keep my geekdom quiet lol) Especially in the midst of all the other things that were going on in my life.

So tomorrow I celebrate success. And it starts off a great weekend where I plan to celebrate life, health, good friends and my love for music. (Mr. Pain you better go on vacation)

What is my most annoying trait? Humming on someone while they talking to me. My mother always complains "She always singing"... lol. We having a conversation and I start to hum something either from the radio or that's in my head. I love music. All music. When I was living in Alabama I got into "down south" music and was enthralled, much to the shock of my friends. Besides the fact that I could understand what they were saying in the songs.. that I would actually start acting "gangster" while the songs were on lol.

But music has gotten me through a lot. Good, bad, exciting, encouraging, depression... all moments you can think of. And it's not only just the words of the song, but the musicality. Quite funny considering that when I was sent to piano lessons I spent more time playing in the bushes than actually learning about musicality. Lol I can sit and just hear the music and be taken to places that bring me back healed and happy.

My "Talker" (person who I talk to every day) is famous for saying "How the hell a pretty girl listens to that music?" I am Mrs. Kartel. Lol. I just also happen to love those "skin out, dig out" songs. Lmao. It amazes everyone that I can be quietly standing and a song comes out and I start to wild out.. lol. The power of music. Machel Montano also takes me to another level that is indescribable. I mean, it becomes a trance. The music takes u above the worries, past the clouds into a zone of love, happiness, freedom, awe, jamishness... All the good things wrapped up together. But Nina Simone will take me there and make my heart bleed for new things, new hope, fresh life, fresh love and understanding. The range of music that can take you from sleep to war to death to sleep with the change of the keys, tones, lyrics. Music is my homeboy!!

Last week was a really emotional week for me. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I was just second guessing myself and really had no reason to. I was filled with a slew of good news that had me in limbo for too long. So really, I had no reason to be depressed or anything. But I was. And Sunday it really just came to a head. I had NOTHING to do with the constant pain in my shoulder. That I was dealing with much better than I was with this emotional dread that was taking over me.

I couldn’t stop crying. It was surely like an out of body experience because I think I actually was shouting at myself “What the hell are you crying for”. Was there something subconsciously bothering me? I dunno. I decided though that I probably needed to step back from where I was standing for a while and I would then probably be able to see something I was missing. I was quickly tugged out of that idea lol after sharing with a close friend that I needed to “step into the shadows”. I was QUICKLY reminded that I needed to stop running away from things (to be discussed later), and that I had a support system to get me through my stuff and didn’t need to go into any shadows. I think that hour of back and forth arguing got me out of the slump. And not just because I got so annoyed I didn’t have time to be sad/depressed anymore but it made me realize a few things.

I did have an amazing support team. I group of people who have been able to reaffirm that I can get back what I put out. They have brought me back full circle through the last year which had been extremely tough even before my health issues came up. People who have opened their homes, their cars, their fridges (that is a big big debt there with me eh lol), their hearts, their ears, their mouths to assist me with no expectations of pay back. Who have dropped, tucked and rolled with me. Here again I was being argued out of “giving up” (still to be discussed) to me meant that my friends really wanted me around. There’s not enough words for me to say how much I appreciate the efforts and how much those efforts gets me past the pain on a daily basis.

I wish I could figure out a way to let them know HOW much “having my back” is appreciated. It’s either going to be me being my usual fool self and they laughing and missing my point or me tearing up and they still missing my point cause they busy telling me “doh cry”. Lol. But I really appreciate it and it is one of the main things that gets me to look at this episode in my life and still want to try and enjoy it regardless of what.

I messed up my code on here sooooo bad. I had to start and import from scratch. Wheeew! Atleast I kinda got something back!!

It amazes me that so many people seem to think that I don't know the severity of my condition. Apparently I'm not "taking it easy" enough. Who thinks I shouldn't be driving but not volunteering to take me to work. Who thinks I should be in bed all the time, but not volunteering to come cook, clean and do whatever little errands I need to do. So I'm not sure what "taking it easy" i suppose to be doing when I still need to live.

I am not sure why they think that the possibility of ME being in extreme pain and possibly being unable to walk is not as GREAT of an issue for me as it is to them. I am truly grateful for all the concerns but regardless of what I am still alive and need to live. I still have things I want to do and I'll be dammed if I just sit around waiting. Waiting on what I don't know. Cause even with this surgery done I can still be run over by a truck. Lol. Not that I'm going to go and roll down a hill or get into a fight or go play dodge ball and get hit. But honestly sitting around in one spot just so that I don't hurt myself is like telling me to eat once in the day. Not going to happen.

In the same regard I have thus limited my activities. I have a new project that I am quite excited about relaunching and have been working feverishly on getting it up and running by the end of the month. Additionally I need to change this blog template because 1) I'm bored and 2) I need to have an option to play video. Music has surely become my saving grace and sometimes there's just a song that can sum up all of what I'm feeling instead of writing it out. So look out for it.