I'm not having a good day today. In fact I didn't have a good day yesterday either. I'm really really frustrated with so many things all at the same time. I know some people will want to say it's my medication and the fact that there was a mix up and I had to take a generic one instead that makes me sick. But dammit!! It is not. I am truly frustrated.

On Sunday evening I just felt really nervous and anxious about something. Yes something. I can't pin point what I was worried about, but I know my heart was heavy and I really felt like I was starting to hyperventilate. I eventually went to bed and slept for most of the night but woke up the next morning with the same dread feeling. By the time I got to work, I was just waiting to hear the "bad news" whatever it was cause surely my body was preempting some sort of impending danger. Nothing happened but the feeling did not subside until I got home.

This morning...the same thing. I got to work in tears because I just felt like I was on the edge of the cliff and it was giving away. I still feel like I am and nobody is trying to help. I feel like they can't see me and I'm screaming. I tried explaining it to two people but instead of trying to hear what I'm saying it turned into "interview the crazy person". No help.

Yes I have a few things on my mind but never in my life have I felt such heavy dread on my subconscious. None of these issues I have I think should make me feel like this. I'm more worried now about the "news" than the feeling I have right now. Because if I can feel like this and not know what's going on then imagine!! Sigh! The one thing I trust in myself is my gut feeling.



I did though call my Dr to ask him to make sure that I do get my correct medication back. I need to cover all my bases.

Last year at the end of my degree program and some really emotional battles I decided that I was going to fix me first before anything else took place. Fix me meant I was going to take care of the things that I wanted to achieve and make me happy which would include work, emotional stability, less stress. Before I can embark on that fix I was thrown into the world of pain and my new find about my health. This made me even more determined to take care of myself. Hearing a doctor tell you, “If u aren’t careful you run the risk of being paralyzed” can make you see the world from a new set of eyes.

It also didn’t help that most of the things to be done I had to do it on my own. Yes I had a support group but I had to go find $500 to see the neurosurgeon after seeing two other general practitioners for $400 a pop. I had to be the one in the night re-medicating myself. I had to do the pharmacy runs. So I needed all the strength within me to do these things and not cave in. I guess it made me become more self sufficient and lean less and less on people. Yes I had a support team who would gladly assist me in whatever way possible. Not that I would expect any of them to assist with my medical bills but push come to shove anything else I needed assistance with it was possible. But I wanted so much to keep my independence. And I knew that no matter how bad I felt my situation was, other people had issues in their life to deal with and I surely didn’t want to add to any one else’s stress.

Over the next few months I guess I have become self sufficient that I don’t feel the need to even have to talk about what I’m going through with people. I have just been doing ME. I have been working hard on getting ME done: Work, health, life stability. And it seems to be bothering people. And I can’t seem to understand why really. And I can’t seem to think either why they can’t understand what kind of mission I HAVE to be on. After my last scare I really saw that I have NO clue what can happen when it can happen and I refuse to let something happen and I don’t achieve what I want to achieve.

I guess it’s easier for people who are not face with “the possibility” to think that things can run its course, or you have time in your life to get things done. I don’t know. I just know I have all these things I want to do before time runs out. And with the added possibility of unknown health it has made my urge to achieve have a heavier weight in my life. And I cannot understand why someone would want to hold that against me. I am in no way trying to be vindictive to anyone. This isn’t about me hiding anything from anyone. But there is so much of me I can give out without it becoming about someone else, and at this time, IT IS ABOUT ME!! Sorry.

Everyone has their life goals. Why must I try to compromise mine while others do what their goals are?

Am I being selfish??




Say yes till you see me in pain and realize that this shit aint NO JOKE!!

While you're reading this I will be seated in the hall for my graduation. All antsy and jittery and nervous. Not because it's graduation and I don't know one soul graduating (I've done that before) but because I'm actually very worried about sitting down there for at least five hours (we have a rehearsal before the actual grad). Do I take the chance and take my meds before I go there and pray I stay up? Don't take them? Take just the nerve meds? Lol. Seems so trivial eh but can be a major deciding factor in if I actually am able to walk up on that stage and cross it and not have to be assisted or leave. Sigh.

But back to graduation lol. I have been trying to down play it. I actually finished my degree last year, but my happy self was so glad to take a trip. While I was on said trip I realized that the grad ceremony was going on as I checked. Lmao. My mother was not too happy about that. I wasn't too interested in doing the ceremony but as I think about it now, I'm excited about it. I've worked really really hard. I was the only female in my year and entering a new, male dominated work force. It was a push and a shove and a push to deal with some of my professors and classmates but I have had great results and need to celebrate it. (I keep my geekdom quiet lol) Especially in the midst of all the other things that were going on in my life.

So tomorrow I celebrate success. And it starts off a great weekend where I plan to celebrate life, health, good friends and my love for music. (Mr. Pain you better go on vacation)

What is my most annoying trait? Humming on someone while they talking to me. My mother always complains "She always singing"... lol. We having a conversation and I start to hum something either from the radio or that's in my head. I love music. All music. When I was living in Alabama I got into "down south" music and was enthralled, much to the shock of my friends. Besides the fact that I could understand what they were saying in the songs.. that I would actually start acting "gangster" while the songs were on lol.

But music has gotten me through a lot. Good, bad, exciting, encouraging, depression... all moments you can think of. And it's not only just the words of the song, but the musicality. Quite funny considering that when I was sent to piano lessons I spent more time playing in the bushes than actually learning about musicality. Lol I can sit and just hear the music and be taken to places that bring me back healed and happy.

My "Talker" (person who I talk to every day) is famous for saying "How the hell a pretty girl listens to that music?" I am Mrs. Kartel. Lol. I just also happen to love those "skin out, dig out" songs. Lmao. It amazes everyone that I can be quietly standing and a song comes out and I start to wild out.. lol. The power of music. Machel Montano also takes me to another level that is indescribable. I mean, it becomes a trance. The music takes u above the worries, past the clouds into a zone of love, happiness, freedom, awe, jamishness... All the good things wrapped up together. But Nina Simone will take me there and make my heart bleed for new things, new hope, fresh life, fresh love and understanding. The range of music that can take you from sleep to war to death to sleep with the change of the keys, tones, lyrics. Music is my homeboy!!

Last week was a really emotional week for me. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I was just second guessing myself and really had no reason to. I was filled with a slew of good news that had me in limbo for too long. So really, I had no reason to be depressed or anything. But I was. And Sunday it really just came to a head. I had NOTHING to do with the constant pain in my shoulder. That I was dealing with much better than I was with this emotional dread that was taking over me.

I couldn’t stop crying. It was surely like an out of body experience because I think I actually was shouting at myself “What the hell are you crying for”. Was there something subconsciously bothering me? I dunno. I decided though that I probably needed to step back from where I was standing for a while and I would then probably be able to see something I was missing. I was quickly tugged out of that idea lol after sharing with a close friend that I needed to “step into the shadows”. I was QUICKLY reminded that I needed to stop running away from things (to be discussed later), and that I had a support system to get me through my stuff and didn’t need to go into any shadows. I think that hour of back and forth arguing got me out of the slump. And not just because I got so annoyed I didn’t have time to be sad/depressed anymore but it made me realize a few things.

I did have an amazing support team. I group of people who have been able to reaffirm that I can get back what I put out. They have brought me back full circle through the last year which had been extremely tough even before my health issues came up. People who have opened their homes, their cars, their fridges (that is a big big debt there with me eh lol), their hearts, their ears, their mouths to assist me with no expectations of pay back. Who have dropped, tucked and rolled with me. Here again I was being argued out of “giving up” (still to be discussed) to me meant that my friends really wanted me around. There’s not enough words for me to say how much I appreciate the efforts and how much those efforts gets me past the pain on a daily basis.

I wish I could figure out a way to let them know HOW much “having my back” is appreciated. It’s either going to be me being my usual fool self and they laughing and missing my point or me tearing up and they still missing my point cause they busy telling me “doh cry”. Lol. But I really appreciate it and it is one of the main things that gets me to look at this episode in my life and still want to try and enjoy it regardless of what.

I messed up my code on here sooooo bad. I had to start and import from scratch. Wheeew! Atleast I kinda got something back!!

It amazes me that so many people seem to think that I don't know the severity of my condition. Apparently I'm not "taking it easy" enough. Who thinks I shouldn't be driving but not volunteering to take me to work. Who thinks I should be in bed all the time, but not volunteering to come cook, clean and do whatever little errands I need to do. So I'm not sure what "taking it easy" i suppose to be doing when I still need to live.

I am not sure why they think that the possibility of ME being in extreme pain and possibly being unable to walk is not as GREAT of an issue for me as it is to them. I am truly grateful for all the concerns but regardless of what I am still alive and need to live. I still have things I want to do and I'll be dammed if I just sit around waiting. Waiting on what I don't know. Cause even with this surgery done I can still be run over by a truck. Lol. Not that I'm going to go and roll down a hill or get into a fight or go play dodge ball and get hit. But honestly sitting around in one spot just so that I don't hurt myself is like telling me to eat once in the day. Not going to happen.

In the same regard I have thus limited my activities. I have a new project that I am quite excited about relaunching and have been working feverishly on getting it up and running by the end of the month. Additionally I need to change this blog template because 1) I'm bored and 2) I need to have an option to play video. Music has surely become my saving grace and sometimes there's just a song that can sum up all of what I'm feeling instead of writing it out. So look out for it.

The one thing that makes me shiver every time is "How are you doing?" I've resorted to a generic answer of "I'm good" regardless of how stiff, numb, spiderful (lol), nauseated I may be. It's the easiest way to get pass without having to explain that the medication may not feel like working today, or it hasn't started working yet, or my body is just tired or there are side effects to EVERYTHING I'm taking or I really can't tell you what is wrong but I'm not feeling good. So "I'm good" covers well. There are some that know how to repeat the question so that I can give a more detailed answer but for the most part the elude the explanation trick is working. :-)

One week away from my recent episode and I'm on the way to some normalcy. Neck movement is not 100% but 100% better than last Friday. I'm quite happy to be back to this level. I can't even begin to explain it. Still "taking it easy" for the most part. Medication is having a war with my inner body but... I can move. Got some word on assistance for my surgery but that mouth is so tainted. I'm not ready to put my hopes there yet.

But I'm good...well better. And praising everyday that I'm waking up with less pain than the day before.

Wow. What a weekend. I'm still in shock. It's been a whirlwind experience.

I woke up Friday morning at 2am to tinkle. By the time I was ready to go back to bed I had a "stiff neck". I was pissed lol. This was going to hinder me from sleeping. I finally got out of bed at 7 to get ready for work and realised that I couldn't pick my towel up from where it had fallen. My neck was STIFF!! I had to ask my room mate to fold up my shirt sleeve after taking a while to put my jeans off. I questioned my driving ability but when I got to the car I was able to maneuver and felt I was good to go.

When I got to work 45 mins later was another story. I could barely look to the left or the right. I had to lift my leg out of the car. I shuffled to the building and prayed that someone was there to open the door. I could barely lift my handbag. I got the my office door and it took me ten minutes to get the door open. I prayed that someone was already there. No one was. I needed to take my medication at that point. But I couldnt get the cup from the holder to get water. I couldn't look down, up, sideways without excruciating pain. I couldn't use my phone to call anyone for help. Fortunately my mother talks to me every morning and called me to find out what's happening. I was able to just press answer and tell her. I was able to log into facebook and send a message to 3 friends praying they would call me ASAP. My sister did. The pain was indescribable. On a scale of 1 - 10...12 would be too low. I was shaking. My body started convulsing at intervals. I was alone at work. I couldn't get up from the chair to even go to another office to ask for help. My phone being touch screen needed two touches to get to numbers. I couldn't look to do that. My room mate texted me to find out if I got to work ok.. I was able to respond "cajj". She responded "english". I couldn't attempt to send anything else to her. My sister was 45 mins away with no traffic. Friday traffic would take her more than an hour. I could be paralyzed by then. I could be dead by then. All these thoughts in my head. Finally my coworker came. In a frenzy she was able to get me water and I was able to take my meds. 20 mins later I was picked up and refused by urgent care who insisted I needed to head straight to an ER. The rest is a daze. Xray, injections, no clue.

I was just knocked out tired by 3pm. An 8 hour ordeal. 2 days later I have limited movement of my neck but I can move it. My body is fighting all these medications that keep adding to my list. I'm now on full blown vicodin, mobic, ibuprofen, my already heavy neurontin. I have to take aviane for my hormone deficiency. Thank goodness I refused them with the paxil offer to help my serotonin. Now adding vitamin C, D and E to help my body with the intake of these things.

The scariest part? No valid reason for this flare up. I have seriously been taking it easy. So who knows when another one is going to just randomly happen. I can't drive right now. I can't even be in a car for too long as a passenger.

Happy to be able to talk about it today. So thankful for my friends and my sister. If I had taken that pill any later who knows what could have been the outcome.

Life... enjoy it!!!

So I have to be extremely careful about getting pushed, hit, shoved or doing jerks with my neck. There are to be NO sudden movements, no falls, not jumps, no neck snaps...lol. It's all well and good for ME to be careful but the jackasses out there don't understand.

This morning was the worse near miss to date. I HATE Florida driver's. The most set of vagina's driving that you can find per capita. This morning I'm heading to work on a local main road to enter onto the highway. Mr. Jackass is trying to enter the road from a strip mall. He decides he must not stop, but fly straight out into the street and I was the unfortunate driver to have to SLAM on my brakes and pull over to the other lane to avoid him, and truck behind me. I was SOO pissed. 2 seconds he could have waited and then come out behind the truck. But NO. Rush they must. Half hour later my hand is on fire, my neck is pulsing, I cannot lift my arm. In other words I messed my neck up. The medication I'm on has to be taken at night. I am no longer on strong pain killers. So you know how I was in work. Eventually my boss told me I was mad.. that I need to leave. How? I couldn't even lift my left arm; my driving arm. In fact I couldn't even turn to the left. I was pissed. I try so hard to not be in a position not to get hurt. I go out I stay out of the crowd. But can I really be safe?

I've been put on bed rest with my brace till tomorrow. With this pain though I am really considering those cortisone shots. The price is deterring me too a bit and the "more pain" idea but I need to be able to use my arm. At this point I can make a slack fist, I couldn't a few hours ago. So atleast I know it is easing up.

But these near misses are starting to scare me more and more. Frustration is starting to set in. I'm really trying to stay strong because I know once I break my family will too.

Sigh!!

I'm sure my friends are wondering "why de heck dis gyul want more breasts" lol. But I'm more thinking of putting some in my neck. Cortisone shots. It was one of the "eases" given by my doctor to help me through the process before surgery. I was a bit skeptical about it and held off on it so that I could do a little more research.

Cortisone is really a hormone produced in our body that is there to aid the body when it is under stress. Putting it into your body helps to suppress inflammation. Basically, they inject the silicon between my two discs to help ease the tension. It is painful. Depending on the needle size and the space that is needed to get the gel in between the discs. What it is is that they take a needle and inject some amounts of the hormone.

The downside of it is that the side affect can be MORE pain than before the injection known as a Cortisone flare. WTF?!! My skin may also whiten as a result of the injection. The Cortisone can also venture into my blood stream and affect other parts of my body.

I'm really considering it since I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel for doing this surgery NOW. And it get's even more urgent in light of so many "near misses" happening.

So most people assume that I just have a "pinched nerve" when I tell them about my situation. Until you see me in pain I guess is when you would really understand that this isn't just a pinched nerve. I've had to explain over and over what the problem is and realise that most people still won't understand how dangerous of a situation I'm in. It's like two boulders jammed together and resting on a boiled noodle. If too much pressure goes onto the boulders the noodle is separated and I'm paralysed. From the neck down. I now have to be very careful of how and where I walk. I'm nervous to be on the freeway. And though I am calm the possibility of someone else's actions scares me shitless. One shove, one jerk, a push, can be one too rough and result in my discs cutting my spinal chord.

Here's a little info:

What is a cervical disc prolapse?

A cervical disc prolapse is a protrusion of one of the discs in the neck. This protrusion frequently causes pressure on one of the nerves to the arm ("a pinched nerve"). On occasions, a cervical disc prolapse may press against the spinal cord, causing symptoms potentially much more serious than those of a single pinched nerve.

Prolapse of a disc is often referred to as a protruding disc, a herniated disc, a slipped disc, a bulging disc, a ruptured disc or even a collapsed disc. These terms usually refer to the same process.

Cervical disc prolapse is often associated with overgrowth of bone, the latter occurring as part of a degenerative process known as spondylosis. Spondylosis is extremely common. Nearly everyone over 35 years of age develops some degree of spondylosis. Spondylosis can make a disc prolapse more likely to cause pressure on the nervous system, resulting in neurological symptoms. In some cases, pressure on the nerve or spinal cord is caused by a spur of excess bone (an osteophyte), rather than a prolapse of the disc.

What are the symptoms of a cervical disc prolapse or osteophyte?

The most important symptoms are neurological symptoms, meaning those symptoms due to pressure on the nerve(s) in the neck. These symptoms are usually felt in one arm. Pain is often severe, especially in the shoulder and upper arm, and may shoot down the arm to the hand or fingers. Tingling or numbness in one or more of the fingers is very common. Loss of strength is also common, particularly with strength at the elbow. The exact pattern of symptoms depends on which particular nerve is involved.

If the disc prolapse causes pressure on the spinal cord, then symptoms in all four limbs can occur. Rather than causing pain, pressure on the spinal cord causes tingling in the arms or legs (or both), as well as causing impairment of walking due to unsteadiness of gait. Control over bladder and bowel function can also be impaired. Neck pain is a common part of the picture, but is usually not due to the disc prolapse itself. So too is headache a common complaint. However these symptoms are not usually considered to be caused by pressure on any one particular nerve.

What is actually done in the operation?

An incision over the front of the neck is made just to the right side, often running in a skin crease. It usually heals to a fine line quite quickly. The wound is on the right even if the symptoms are on the left. The surgery is performed between the throat and the blood vessels of the neck. The correct level is identified with an x-ray taken during the surgery, then the procedure is performed.

The details vary depending on the particular problem, but generally the disc is completely removed, along with some bone from the vertebrae on either side of the disc. This is rather like removing the mortar between two bricks, and then trimming a little of the brick on either side of the gap. This gives space for the surgeon to remove the offending particle of prolapsed disc or to trim away the osteophyte as the case may be. In either case the object of the exercise is to relieve pressure on the nerve or the spinal cord, depending on the symptoms and the results of preoperative investigations.

Once the decompression is complete, the gap left by removing the disc is filled (implanted) with the disc replacement device (also known as a "prosthesis"). The device and the final appearance on an x-ray look like this:

In my process the discs are going to be completely removed and replaced with 2 prosthesis along with a stem between the two. More info can be found here.

I'm ready to get this done though. It's starting to affect me more than I want. Sigh!!

Today I woke up with a pain on the right side of my neck. Well it's not today. Today is day 3 of that pain. The first day I said I probably slept bad. Day two (yesterday) I assumed that it was going away from my "bad sleep". This morning, more intense pain in the opposite side of where i felt my initial pain a few months back. Worry. I called my neurologist because he calls me once a week to make sure that nothing else happens, but today is his surgery day. I'm hoping that I really slept bad, mind you I am not sleeping with any pillows because I cannot have my neck at angles, so my "sleeping bad" theory is really a comfort to my soul. Sigh. I really hope no more MRIs. The process of that was a story ALL by itself.

Since my last big post on here I have:

• Moved
• Graduated (well finished classes. Actual ceremony is in a couple months)
• Bought a car

I was happy.

Then August through September became a bit trying with the process of buying a car. During this time I woke up one morning with a severe stiff neck. It lasted for a couple weeks. The pain eased up a bit but there still seemed to be a nagging pain in my back. October came with many sleepless nights and extreme pain. I was rubbed, twisted, rubbed, heated. Eventually I saw a Dr who figured I probably had a pinched nerve. He gave me muscle relaxants and some pain killers. January 2010 and I still have sleepless nights; now have severe paralyzing pain in my left arm and shoulder. At times I can feel electricity from my shoulder to my finger tips. My hand at intervals is unusable. So I went to get a second opinion. I was kept on the medication and rushed to get an MRI. A couple hundred dollars later my Dr. is looking at me with puppy dog eyes telling me that she is sending me to a neurologist. There’s something wrong with the discs in my spine. The only fix is surgery.

Panic had set in along with the continued pain, and sleepless nights. Eventually I get to see a neurologist. One of the top one’s in the State. It was quite an experience. Though I was not outwardly worried I guess subconsciously I was because that morning was a really emotional morning for me. I got to my appointment late and if I had gotten any later I would have had to wait another month to see him. On opening my images from disc, “Wow” was the comment made by the Dr. Not a good feeling. I then looked and responded “That’s MY neck?”. Total shock. I mean based on the pain I know it was something heavy but never in my life was I going to think that my neck LOOKED like that.

Basically I have spinal stenosis. Cervial spinal stenosis to be exact. Though this is a common diagnosis, it is more common in way older people and I am on the extreme end of the graph. I am only 30. He quickly became concerned about the use of my left hand and thumb which already the nerve to it had started to darken from pressure on it. Though I felt like I was strong, he felt that my left was weaker than my right. But Dr… I am right handed you know??!!!

Anyways what it has come down to is that I HAVE to do surgery and as soon as possible. There are no other options. I cannot get any chiropractic treatment in between time to ease the pain because the discs are so embedded into my nerve that any sharp movement can lead to me being PARALYZED. I have been taken off of heels (FAINTS). I have to be very careful I don't fall, don't get hit, don't turn my head to sharply too quickly. I am now taking Neruontin which seems to be helping A LOT with the spasms in my arm (it is an epileptic medication) and the pain.

So I am not on a journey of "FIX RENEE". And though it seems to be a situation that is potentially dangerous I'm more worried about getting the money to foot this approx quoted surgery of $30 grand USD than him going through my neck to replace my discs with some plastic thingie. More worried every time I jump into my car that some fool doesn't make the mistake and run into me or me into them. But i have made it so far and i pray that I will continue safely till after surgery into physical therapy.

It has been like tumbleweed in here hasn't it? I'm sorry. The past year I have been through A LOT. I got so tired of writing about the negative things that seem to be holding me down, that I just didn't write. The past few months I have grown... or re grown so much that I was at a very happy place. But you know how Lyfe is? Lol.. doesn't always stay as you want it to be. So I'm back. With new struggles with my health that surely will be a growing experience for me and the continued normal day to day happenings.

Initially I was just going to leave this be and continue going through dealing in my head, but I think I need to blog this and I have a feeling I may need to keep some of my feelings of the situation from my family members for "sane" reasons. So this blog will again become my escape.

I'm back!!!!