7/17/2009

Detox??

So in light of my dance with the grouper a few weeks ago, my family insisted I needed to be "cleaned" out. Like a ray of light from heaven my aunt found this man with a foot detoxification tub and decided that this was what I needed.

Now I have heard about these foot baths and was very skeptical about how a tub of water with salt and electricity can pull toxins out of the sole of your feet. I mean really?? You can read more here about it. I mean I keep searching for holes in my feet that's gonna take ALL my toxins out. I eat so much.. would it all pass.

So we started with me and clean water, two spoons of sea salt and a copper electric device, oh and my feet. I was asked to say a prayer while i dissolved the salt in the water and he flipped the on switch. I had to sit still for 30 mins (what? you serious?) while this detoxifies me. A few minutes into the procedure the water starts to turn uhm BROWN. A kinda murky looking brown too with some seaweed like thing... ah WTH!! Then it starts to turn to a murky green and the seaweed multiplies. Jeez, I does eat real crap but this is really coming from my body?

He starts to ask me questions now. Do I have high cholesterol? Ah I dunno.. who does check that? Is your blood presure high? AH I dunno.. I doh check that. Do you have belly pains? What you mean belly pain? Mi belly does hurt me sometimes.. yuh mean like that? *blank stare* He then proceeds to tell me that if my period is coming it going to come. Ah duh!! (That shit better come!! lol)

After 30 minutes he turns off the machine and says "you family is a strong family boy". (My cousin also did the process). Our "water" had nothing apparently. There was no sign of toxins *side eye*. No lymphmatic problems, no liver problems, no blood, no eye, no cold, no. So you trying to tell me ALL the shit I does eat, there is NO toxins in my body?? Nice!! So why the water brown/green then?? Apparently no matter if there is a foot in the tub or not the water is going to get dark because it's an electric copper device and water and salt causes a reaction. Sooo.. if de water getting green/brown either way how they really tellin you what toxin come out? LIES!!

So what is the verdict? I wasted $275. I didn't mention I had to pay before ent?? Steups... 30 minutes of sitting still and a pain in my hip after I got up. *Goes back to eating junk*

7/09/2009

I wondering..

Am I the only person who seem to have people in their lives who think that their life is their business and my life is their business? And I not talking about yuh mother who concerned about what you doing in your life for your betterment of it. I talking bout friends (who it seems having ulterior motives) trying to dictate how your life should be run.

I never am concerned about what others doing. That's their life. If they happy doing it, not hurting anyone then go for it. My friends are free to see who they want, go where they want without me making noise about it. Once they not hurting themselves or nobody in the process. But tell me why it is a problem for them for me to see who I want or go where I want?

Why is it that whatever my friends have to do is very important. So important that they can delay me, make me wait, cancel on me but if there is something that I deem important for me to do, it's a problem. Apparently they are more important.

Everybody seems to know who and what is good for me. All of a sudden I have 4 fathers who seem to think they need to dictate my life, when they should be concentrating a little bit more on theirs. I guess that's what I get for being an open person, leaving room for people to step in and give their opinion. Because some of these same people who like to "share" with me hide their business like it's a national secret. I probably need to do the same.

But why the people stressing me out are Males???

7/06/2009

Dance with a Grouper!!!

So here I was, writing up a nice "where I was" post when I was attacked by a grouper. Well I should put attacked in inverted commas, because not that I was physically attacked by the dam fish, but it did make me physically itch for a whole day and a half (and counting).

Apparently that fish greedier than me and does eat everything including nickle. As a result a lot of people have allergic reactions to it. So if is so...tell me why my parents dem have it to cook and how come this is the first time in my life I eating this fish? And why de arse of all the things I allergic to it had to be this? Mind you the steam fish and rice I cook it with went down REAL good eh!! But it ent worth the scale like skin I now have, with the persistent itching, and me being covered in calamine lotion from head to toe. It also ent worth me sitting in the dam Emergency Room for 12 hours waitin on them to give me 2 unworthy injections in my butt and having to wait another half hour before I could feel mi leg again. And it sure as heck ent worth me waking up at 1 am later in the night STILL covered in scales and itching. I know me ent going back up to the morgue... I mean hospital cause I sure as day know if I hear them ring that bell for the orderlies to put me on the ward I running outta there real quick.

So I'm here, itching and cussing and wishing I did pick up the chicken to stew instead of that dam grouper!! Steups.

6/30/2009

Psssttt!!!



And when I say I'm back... know that the FULL me is BACK and ready to write in FULL swing!!!

3/17/2009

2009 to Date....

I come to my blog everyday checking like if a new post will appear miraculously. I have had SOOO much go on that I would love to write about, but the words don't seem to want to be written. I need to get them out though. My brain is taking over my life with all these conversations going on.

2009 to date has not been all that great. I had hoped that 2009 would really be mine, but I can't yet seem to get a firm grasp on the year yet. My hands keep slipping off. Every night I seem to have to try to take my brain off so that I can get some rest. It doesn't work. I keep falling back to reality and the fact that I feel I've failed in some missions in my life. My perspectives have surely changed. Though I am not broken by things that are happening, I am shattered and it's taking me a little while to just gather the pieces and move along.

School has been going great though. And imagine how times flies... that I'm almost done. I'm already on the job hunt but with this recession and the possibilities for my area it's going to be a long and hard search for work.

My cousins came in to visit this weekend. It was nice. They surely kept me occupied. Even if I wanted to hear the voices in my head, the voices of my cousins talking overpowered it all lol. But they surely showed me in this time what family and love is all about. I know they always have my back regardless.

I'm trying my best to take things one day at a time. Harder done than said. The one good thing I have a 10 week count down to this quarter and a trip, and that makes me very happy. I hope enough to shut out my brain, and it's thoughts.

3/02/2009

Smile Like This!!



I took my braces off today. I thought I would be more excited, but considering my week, I'm happy. It feels so weird. Now I'm stuck with retainers now for about a year. I hope I can keep up with ensuring that I wear them when I'm supposed to. I keep touching my teeth with my tongue... lol.

2/26/2009

Weary Actress.... (Recap)

“The angry boy a bit too insane Icing over a secret pain You know you don’t belong You’re the first to fight Your’re way too loud You’re the flash of light on a burial shroud”

I am soooo tired…
Tired of laughing
Tired of trying
Tired of crying, cringing, always, always hurting.I am such a good actress that no one
Knows when I’m joking
No one knows the real me
I’m always pretending
Always trying to be.

Right now I’m weary
I have lost all my tears
All my fears… Not!
They have not dissipated
They have just been covered
By the glamour, the glitter … the pain

Who am I?
What am I?
Nobody takes me for who I really am
Everybody wants me to be their actress
Everybody wants to be the Director of the show
But haven’t I progressed enough to become my own?
Haven’t I earned the role?

Time is passing and I haven’t gotten old
No longer do I have the energy to fight
To let you know that I nbeed to be acknowledged for who I AM
Not what you see, or hope for me to be
No longer do I think it is possible to defend
I have given up …
And it hurts.

I was rewarded, but
Complacency was not one of my goals
But I have accepted it with all the glamour and glitter that acompanies it
Will I, the weary one, be able to go on…

How would you ever know?
I have been acting all my life, haven’t I?
But I don’t think I can go on…
Right now I am just tired. SIGH!!

“I wish you could step back from that ledge my friend
YOu could cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in
And if u do not want to see me again
I would understand”

Only But Once

I expect to pass through this world
but ONCE
Any good, therefore
That I can do,
or any kindness
I can show to a fellow human being
Let me do it…
NOW…
let me not deter it,
nor neglect it …
For I shall not pass this way again…

2/25/2009

I am a Lion!!!


I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
For my book yes I’ll be the writer
Blaze up yuh fire, I say raise yuh lighter, brighter
Find the strength within your heart
And with love you’ll find your path
I know the road seems hard for so
Dream yuh dreams and don’t let go
Cause some of them want to fight you down
Some of them want to see you crawl
Some of them rather see you on the ground
Some ah dem, some ah dem
Some of them hate what they don’t know
All we need is love to grow

For the the dreams

For your life

For your soul
Let your power come forward
And I’m done with yesterday
And I’m sure I will find my way
Life it keeps moving on
So I’ve got to cease this moment,
And I won’t be afraidI am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
For my book yes I’ll be the writer
Blaze up yuh fire, I say raise yuh lighter, brighter
Find the strength within your heart

And with love you’ll find your path
I know the road seems hard for so,

But dream yuh dreams and don’t let go
Some of them want to see you fail
Some of them fail their wind has changed
Some of them hide behind a smiling face,
Some ah dem, some ah dem
Some of them feed upon your tears
They’ve been doing that for years
Tell me when will it end

Don’t pretend
That everything is alright
I refuse to be the one to take the fall
And if I take this stand today

I make a better way
So someone else could sayI am a lion
Yes I am a fighter

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter

Find the strength within your heart
Dreams, Life, Your soul, Let the power control

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
Blaze up yuh fire I say raise yuh lighter, brighter

I am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
For your Dreams,

For you Life,

For your soul,

Let your power controlI am a lion
Yes I am a fighter
Blaze up yuh fire I say raise yuh lighter, brighter
We are so much stronger than we know
For Dreams, Life, Your soul,
Let your power control

“Kees The Band - Lion”

2/20/2009

I KNOW YOU'RE THERE


You're funny. Don't know what's the point, but I'll ride it out and see.

2/19/2009

Sigh...It's carnival

In the past few years I have lived from carnival to carnival. The season for me started a few months after the other one ended. I started gathering the crew, asking about costume ideas, colours, forcing them to start to gather their down payment monies. I became the obsessed haggler. The person who just needed to hear "I think I want to play mas" and immediately you were included in the "crew" to be on the road. My students would be anxiously waiting to know what section Miss get into so that they can look for me on tv. My co workers would be moving my calendar from my desk and telling me to SHUT UP about the costume already. My mom would be covering her ears and my dad would be informing me quite strongly that he not going back to no mascamp again to collect no costume AGAIN. No one was left untouched.

This year, I quietly decided that carnival was out. Well I didn't have much choice really considering. How was I going to pay for costume and all the other things that accompany having a costume, fetes, plane tickets, outfits....? So it was out. And it was going well. No one else really was partaking as we all opted for a return in 2010. So there was no one important really to be jealous of on the road come Monday and Tuesday. I was doing good to suppress the feelings. Until today.

I'm getting anxiety attacks at the thoughts that on Monday I'll be laying in bed when I could be chipping on the road. I would not be decked off in some cute outfit drinking my money's worth of liquor and eating food. No camera flashing as we pose on anything that pass or see a friend that we only see on the road come carnival time. They'll be no cussin for people to hurry up we ready to leave. No laughing at who forgot to put on sunblock or who put on someone else's boy shorts. Sigh.... No meet super blue or wild ants. No Bacchanal... no tusty ....no sunburn....sigh....

2/18/2009

Play Pretend

I've been doing that well since the year has been running. Pretending that I'm good. It works some days, other days it's hard. I'm not a pretentious person, so for me to have to act as though sometimes really upsets me. The past two weeks have been... I can't seem to find the words to describe.

Last week I went three days with NO sleep. I woke up on Monday at 2am and was unable to sleep until Wednesday when the doctor saw me. I would be sitting in bed, laying in bed, walking around the apartment. I watched so many movies in that stretch of time. I drank all kinds of tea possible. Sleep never came. By Wednesday my body was in survival mode. Movements were limited. Brain function was at a low. Patience went to negative numbers. Sigh. I had so much things on my mind that wasn't helping my insomnia. Finally, $300 I was prescribed some sleep aid and didn't even need to fill the prescription before I was knocked out on my friend's couch. My body could take no more. I slept for 3 hours. The first sleep in 72 hours. It was nothing. I woke up in pain, confused, head aching, depressed. Sigh. 5 hours later I got another 2 hours sleep. Slowly i got back into a schedule of getting few hours at a time.

At nights now I try to pretend everything is ok with me so that I can sleep. But really, how much longer can I pretend? The fear of not sleeping actually makes me will my brain that "everything is ok".

I need to get out of this PLAY!!!

2/06/2009

Argghhh

Honestly my blog is getting a little too much LIKE ME! Every morning I wake up it's something. When I think things have settled and doing good, something comes and throws me for a curve. Again today I woke up to someone asking me "What's wrong with your Blog". Again I was clueless. And again the bandwidth from photo bucket was exceeded. So yunno what... I'mma go basic. This is probably what I need to do with my real life.

So once again, and I hope for the last time, my blog has a new look. And I hope it lasts.

2/03/2009

Gooooo Heat!!!

I was fortunate to get a free ticket to go see the Miami Heat Vs LA Clippers game yesterday. I was pretty excited. It was my first ever professional game experience. The thing is I am no Big supporter of the Miami heat. Infact, most times I support the opposing team regardless of who they are just because. I am though, a Dwayne Wade fan. And NOT a Dwayne Wade the basketballer fan. *giggles*. I was also excited to see Beasley. Ten years younger than I was, with a almost "missing some screws" look still had me intrigued. Off we go, late as usual.

By the time we get to the American Airlines arena game is in full swing. We get searched, get in, locate the bar, find out seats (which were pretty good too) and got into the game. As I said before, I am not a HUGE basketball fan, I like sports. I've played since I was seven and know that being a sports(wo)man is an experience by itself. The showmanship and camraderie amongst the members and especially between Wayde and Beasley was amazing. It was like those two were synced. One knew what the other was going to do before the other even thought about it, giving the clippers a harder time in the midst of already hostile fans.

That leads me to another thing. Fans and their hostility. I understand that the Clippers are from out of town. They were unable to bring their supporters but lawd, to be mean just because amazes me. Lol. I got so much stink eyes from people when I clapped when they did a good layout. I realised that my life was better if I just stayed quite. One lady Vs over 1000 angry fans would not be a good result

The only bad thing about this experience is that my camera battery died after I took a movie of the Heat Dancers. They are another story. I swear whenever they came on, all the males moved forward in their seat. How you could dance in 1/2" shorts and tops, with boots amazes me and I've been dancing since I was three years.

After the game (the Heat won) we were given the opportunity to go meet a player. Who? I asked all excited. Fixing my hair. James Jones. WHO? Lol. Hey I did say I don't know much about the team. After some tough security we eventually got to meet Jones, saw Wade close up, Beasley past (seriously he looks a little special) we were out the gates. It was a good experience and I am willing to go again. Atleast I'll know one more player this time.






1/29/2009

Terror

So I woke up this morning with a stomach virus. Or should I say the stomach virus woke me at 4am. I thought nothing of the loud noises my stomach was making and the nausea I was kinda feeling at that time. I just blamed it on the Wendy's nuggets I ate at 12am. While eating them I thought they weren't cooked, but you know Ms. Greedy.

At 8am I was in hell. The only signs of sickness i show is usually vomiting. I throw up when anything happens. My mom dubbed me iron belly since I was a kid, cause no matter what I just vomited when I was sick and back to games. Today was a whole new ball game. At one point I was just throwing up air. Thank god nothing can leak from my ears. For hours I was confined to one area of the bathroom. By 1pm I had the feeling of fire in my legs. By 5pm, my back and my legs belonged to someone else. And it still does. As a result of so much dehydration my body is starting to cramp up. The pain is unexplainable. I ave really really bad periods, this is NOTHING like it. All I could do today was roll around in my bed. Nothing was easing anything. My head was on fire. Right now I'm typing to take my mind off of my lower body pain. My body is shot. I havent eaten. Im afraid to. My sister thank God brought me some pediolyte that the pharmacist suggested. But the pain in my lower body is ecruciating. I'm thinking if there is no ease by 11pm I have to go to the hospital. I'm starting to feel like my legs are going numb.

I won't wish this on anyone. I'm not even sure how I got it. It can be transmitted in the air or it could be the food I ate. Who knows. I just know I need this pain to end. I can't take any painkillers because I haven't eaten. What to do?? Lord knows if tomorrow is anything like today, I won't have the energy to push through. And they say tomorrow may not be any better. Sigh...

1/28/2009

Tagggggggeeeed

So I was tagged by GirlBlue, who I am upset with cause she has gone on a long trip down the islands. Can I really come up with 20 little known things about me?

1. I went to college on a tennis scholarship. Everytime I mention that to someone who has met me in the only the last 3 years they get this weird look on their face, like "Ah yea sure". I always have to laugh. Yea I'm lazy has heck now, but I used to be on a tennis court playing matches for 3 hours. I also did track, netball, some hockey.

2. I am a heartfelt romantic. I love anything that has to do with positive emotions, love. (I hate valentines though... but that's for another post). But I don't always get that back...lol

3. I eat a lot. But that may be a known fact. Ihave not gained a pound in 2 years... but I have gone up some clothes sizes...weird!!!

4. I am a shy person

5. I am afraid of heights

6. I am a dramatic claustraphobic

7. I am meticulous. My mom won't agree.

8. My dream is to be a travelling chef.

9. Crowds are not my thing. I pick and choose which massive crowd I would be able to deal with.

10. I give all of who I am to my friends.

11. I don't make friends easily.

12. I drink a lot.

13. I spend WAY too much time with my laptop.

14. I'm under apperciated.

15. I am my mother's second mole. Or should I say she's my first...lol

16. I get hurt easily. I think because I still beleive in that "Treat me as I treat you" bullshit.

17. I am a music lover. And I have to have it organized. I spend hours sitting cateogrizing my genre, year, album covers, searching the interent to make sure the information is correct. I hate to see "Unknown" on my list.

18. I make up my mind in 2 seconds FLAT.

19. I love too hard.

20. I have a lot of things about me to share.

I tag
The traveling posters: While at post Girls
Scene

Emotional Rollercoaster

So I found out something yesterday that really threw me for a loop. When i first saw it, I had to read it over like 10 times to really make sure what I was seeing was what was there. I was in SHOCK. I don't know why that was my initial reaction. I think I laughed for a bit in between but eventually the reaction was just SHOCK. Not a good shock either.

I sat and I thought about it. I didn't even respond to the initial comment really. I stepped back and I thought about it ALL night. I had a restless night and as soon as I turned over that was the thing on my mind. When I work this morning the shock was turned to hurt. I think that's what my real reaction was initially. Here was a situation that I as I thought about it I felt used. I didn't get the details. I didn't ask any questions. There was no whys, no explanation given. To me, I felt like it was a "just so you know" moment. I feel like my feelings weren't thought about in this situation. At points I question if I was set up. Does an "accident" happen on more than one occasion? Was it an accident? I have so much questions that I guess I need to get answered before I feel like I'm feeling. I feel betrayed kinda. As I write this it's sinking in some more. I want to ask someone if I'm over reacting, but I really am scared to explain what happened.

I just think that somethings are sacred to special people and my area was entered. And entered without my consent. I'm not sure if that is the main issue or the fact that it was just so slightly mentioned and just might not have been that sacred to others. I'm hurt though. And I didn't do anything wrong, I think. And why was this told to me now?

I don't know what to do next. I'm unsure how to feel. I think this may change how things are in a lot of situations. I kind of feel dirty, embarrassed, ashamed, hurt. I don't know how to feel. Lol.. can I say that again?! Sigh.

The one person I felt wouldn't hurt me....

Ok.. I see me heading into another emotion soon.....

WOW!!

It has been a CRAZY week. I HATE group projects. Worse yet when all the people are all over the dam world. I have been working feverishly to get my website out and back up after an attack on my servers where I LOST 3 years worth of information. Then a little maccoo informs me that my blog skin is in a mess...lol. So now I have to fix this. Then I ... sigh.. I doh even know what to say about that next then nah.

I've been busy. Last night I slept for 2 hours. I have sooo much stuff to do today I'm afraid that I can't get it done before the day is done. Sigh. And my mind is all over the place so concentration would be at 50%. Arrgghhhh.... WOW!!!

1/24/2009

Humph

At this point, no words can say what's going on with me.
I can't begin to say.
The one places I go for comfort seems have been taken away.
All I can do I guess is continue to pray.

1/23/2009

Compromise

How much are you willing to compromise? For anything?

I think compromising is something that everyone needs to do at some point in their life. Compromising in some situations are for people to be able to live better with each other at some point I guess. In relationships, where two different persons come together, compromise is a must by both parties. Well most times. Sometimes somebody doesn't want to compromise and it says a lot about who they are.

There are somethings I may have been willing to compromise on in earlier relationships. Willing to take somethings or get rid of somethings, or don't do somethings. I think though when you start to not feel like yourself because of these compromises then I think it's no longer a compromise.

I refuse to compromise on:

My happiness.
My partner and I doing things together and building memories. If I have to resort to doing that with someone else then I guess you're not to be my partner. lol
My dreams/aspirations. I suppose sometimes timings have to adjust but I would still hope for the encouragement to get things that I wanted done.
Love... without it what's a relationship?
Respect

I can probably adjust other things, but those things are the core of who I am and what I beleive in. And though I may think that I could get less of those things and survive I can't. I won't. I refuse to compromise ME.

1/22/2009

I dedicate this... to Tobago.

I know I'm in soca mode right now... but this John legend song I LOVESSS!!!

This Time Lyrics

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
It’s starting to hit me
Now you’re not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It’s so crystal clear now
That I need you here now
I got to get you back today

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
Giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be a man
I can be all you need
This time is all of me

I hit the bar every night
Looking to score a good time
It’s not like I planed it
We left empty handed
I’m still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
Cuz I need you back by my side

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
Giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be a man
I can be all you need
This time is all of me

Last time I wasn’t sure
This time I will give you more
I’m more mature
I’ll show you
Last time I didn’t know
I messed up and let you go
I need you, don’t say no
Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
Pick up the phone
Won’t you come home?

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
Giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be a man
I can be all you need
This time is all of me

~ This Time, John Legend, Evolver



Choices

Have you ever felt that you're trying your best to make someone in your life happy but you keep falling short? Like you're trying so hard to make the best decision in situations and you always seem to pick the wrong option. You take the time and think about the options, you pick what you think is best, and it turns out to be the wrong thing. What sucks about it is that you actually sat and contemplated on the choice and then it's the wrong one. It's quite frustrating. If I didn't think about it and just chose something then it would probably be better...sigh.

1/20/2009

Sigh

Yesterday seems so far away... like it was... YESTERDAY. Yesterday was an utter day from hell for me. At one point I was planning my funeral. While I spent ALL day in bed trying my best to find my footing, I had time to reminisce.

I remembered when I just started having my period. I can't recall at what age it started, I know I was already in High School. I don't recall either my reaction the first time it came. I have 2 older sisters and about 8 female cousins, so it wouldn't have been much of a shock reaction. I do remember that I never really knew when it would come. Those people who counted their 21 days on a calender, I was jealous of. I would count my 21 days and 15 days later still waiting. Sometimes I wouldnt even make it to 21. Some months I wouldnt even get a visit from mother nature. It was the most unpredictable thing ever. Even though the actual presence was iffy, I always had the symptoms. Infact I was symptom free for one week in a month. For the other three weeks I would be bloated, moody, nauseous, tired, having shortness of breath. Then I started to get really bad headaches that eventually turned into extremem migraines. Migraines that would knock me out for days. They attempted to prescribe meds for my migraines. After taking me to the higest migraine meds possible and me almost hospitalized from it I was given alternative medication. Then they suggested that I may have a hormone problem which could be the cause for said symptoms. Then they discovered my ovarian cysts.

Sigh. Well the cysts discovered me initaly It's funny. My period pains would paralyze me. One time my aunt called in a prescription for pain for me at a Walgreens and I had to go myself to get it filled. My sister was driving and I was attacked by a pain burst and I grabbed her hand. I could have sworn I broke it. This other time, I remembered crawling to the bathroom because I was home alone, the next thing i remembered was my sister's dog licking my face. I had no idea how long I was passed out for. I just know all I could remember was that i wanted to get to the bathroom at one point. When i eventually got to the ER it was confirmed that my cyst had erupted. Again another bout of heavy medication and numerous doctor visits. Everybody with a different idea to "fix" things. I have an introverted uterus. I have this. I have that.

I know what I have what can I do to fix it. The bottom line came that I needed to get some extra hormones. So the pill was given. And it seemed to work for a bit. My period came like clock work, symptoms to a minimum. No more gravol. Well until yesterday. I was back in High School. Colours spinning, swollen breasts, swollen stomach, had to take gravol, pain meds, midol, ginger ale. PAIN like NO OTHER. What's going on?

I'm tired taking meds. Besides the pill and other meds, my doctor wants to give me Meds for my moods. Apparently my body doesn't work well in that department either. I'm TIRED taking medication. I'm tired feeling sick. It's a double sided sword. Take the meds and feel sick from the meds. Don't take them and be sick from the Red Devil.

Everytime I say I want to stop, my mom gives me the stink eye. Lol. You think you can handle it? I can't be on this meds for ever can I? Sigh... and everybody says "When you make a baby it will stop". Dey sure??

Just in case you missed it!!!


My fellow citizens:

I stand here today humbled by the task before us, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our ancestors. I thank President Bush for his service to our nation, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents.

So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.

That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war, against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some, but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age. Homes have been lost; jobs shed; businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly; our schools fail too many; and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.

These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable but no less profound is a sapping of confidence across our land — a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, and that the next generation must lower its sights.

Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met.

On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord.

On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics.

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.

For us, they packed up their few worldly possessions and traveled across oceans in search of a new life.

For us, they toiled in sweatshops and settled the West; endured the lash of the whip and plowed the hard earth.

For us, they fought and died, in places like Concord and Gettysburg; Normandy and Khe Sahn.

Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction.

This is the journey we continue today. We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our workers are no less productive than when this crisis began. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.

For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. All this we will do.

Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage.

What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them— that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. The question we ask today is not whether our government is too big or too small, but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified. Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account — to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day — because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government.

Nor is the question before us whether the market is a force for good or ill. Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but this crisis has reminded us that without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and that a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our Gross Domestic Product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on the ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.

As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our Founding Fathers, faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man, a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and we are ready to lead once more.

Recall that earlier generations faced down fascism and communism not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions. They understood that our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. Instead, they knew that our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.

We are the keepers of this legacy. Guided by these principles once more, we can meet those new threats that demand even greater effort — even greater cooperation and understanding between nations. We will begin to responsibly leave Iraq to its people, and forge a hard-earned peace in Afghanistan. With old friends and former foes, we will work tirelessly to lessen the nuclear threat, and roll back the specter of a warming planet. We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you.

For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of peace.

To the Muslim world, we seek a new way forward, based on mutual interest and mutual respect. To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.

To the people of poor nations, we pledge to work alongside you to make your farms flourish and let clean waters flow; to nourish starved bodies and feed hungry minds. And to those nations like ours that enjoy relative plenty, we say we can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For the world has changed, and we must change with it.

As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts and distant mountains. They have something to tell us, just as the fallen heroes who lie in Arlington whisper through the ages. We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all.

For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.

Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.

This is the price and the promise of citizenship.

This is the source of our confidence— the knowledge that God calls on us to shape an uncertain destiny.

This is the meaning of our liberty and our creed — why men and women and children of every race and every faith can join in celebration across this magnificent mall, and why a man whose father less than sixty years ago might not have been served at a local restaurant can now stand before you to take a most sacred oath.

So let us mark this day with remembrance, of who we are and how far we have traveled. In the year of America's birth, in the coldest of months, a small band of patriots huddled by dying campfires on the shores of an icy river. The capital was abandoned. The enemy was advancing. The snow was stained with blood. At a moment when the outcome of our revolution was most in doubt, the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:

"Let it be told to the future world...that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive ... that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet [it]."

America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.


- President Obama's Speech. January 20th 2008. Taken from MSNBC.com

1/19/2009

Let these people know...

"Tell them I am not my father
Bad like him, but let the truth be told
Like me there will be no other

This is not a joke
Who God bless, no man put asunder
If you don't beleive that this is true...
Meet Superblue"

I have not been much of a Fay Ann Lyons fan, but I think she pick teh wrong year to have some hot songs and be pregnant. This song is the BIZNESS..


Meet Super Blue - Fayann Lyons Alvarez

1/18/2009

Self Adjustment

If I could change one thing about myself it would be how much of myself I give to people. I can't help it. It's something that has caused me a lot of turmoil, continues to cause me turmoil and something I want to stop causing me turmoil. Lol. It's hard to try to pull yourself from being your full self with people. It's like trying to fight being who you are. I'll start doing something and then have to stop myself because I said "I wasn't going to give that person that much of me anymore".

Why do I want to adjust? Because people don't do the same with me. The extra effort isn't reciprocated. I continue to get treated like "whatever, Penz would adjust, I can give her any bullshit excuse for anything and she'll continue respecting me and looking out for me." It's getting really tiring though. I would get disappointed in some way and I would continue to try my hardest not to disappoint. Or if I do, I'm very apologetic about it.

So pulling back myself would be the best thing, but it's also the hardest thing. My nature is to be there, give 100%. To have to give 60% requires a lot of work and concentration. But which is worth more?

1/17/2009

Today...

started off as a good day. So why am I now in tears? Steups. First I was really annoyed. I'm getting so tired of this dam badgering by people. Some just don't get the point. Badger, badger badger. I dunno what else I have to say for you to understand that you're annoying to me now. Wait, I think I've said it to you before so I dunno what else has to be said. Then the annoyance was met with disappointment from something else.

Then I got pissed. Some folks are so caught up in the material things and how things and people look and appear to be that they seem to not see people for who they are. What's the big deal with trying to make other people think a certain way about you because of how you look? When it comes down to it, does it really matter?

Sigh, steups. I am just really annoyed!!!

1/14/2009

Long Distance

There's only so many songs that i can sing to pass the time
and I'm running out of things to do to get you off my mind (oh whoa)
all I have is this picture in a frame (oh ah)
that I hold close to see your face everyday

With you is where i'd rather be
but we're stuck where we are
it's so hard, your so far..
this long distance is killing me
I wish that you are here with me
but were stuck where we are
it's so hard, your so far.. (so hard, your so far..)
this long distance is killing me

it's so hard, it's so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far
this long distance is killing me
it's so hard, it's so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far
(so hard, so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far)
this long distance is killing me

Now the minutes feel like hours
and the hours feel like days.. (whoa oh whoa)
while I'm away (way-ayyyy)
you know right now I cant be home (ahhhhhh)
but I'm coming home soon (ahhhhhh)
coming home soon.. (ahhhhhh a hahhh)
all I have is this picture in a frame (ahhhhh)
that I hold close to see your face everyday

With you is where i'd rather be (where I'd rather be..)
but were stuck where we are (oh oh)
it's so hard, (oh ah) your so far.. (oh ahhh)
this long distance is killing me
I wish that you are here with me (you are here with me)
but were stuck where we are (oh oh)
it's so hard, (oh ah) your so far.. (oh ahhh)
[Long Distance Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
Can you hear me crying?
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh (ohh-oh ohh-oh)
Can you hear me crying? (oh-oh ah!)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh (ohh-oh ohh-oh)
Can you hear me crying? (oh-oh ah!)
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh (ohh-oh ohh-oh)
ooooh woo whoa ah ahhhhhhh oh ahhh (oh-oh ah!)
uh ahhh uh ahhh whoaooooohh ah (ohh-oh ohh-oh)

With you is where i'd rather be (where I'd rather be..) whoaaaa!
(but were stuck where we are) oh!
(it's so hard) so hard (your so far) so far
(this long distance is killing me) this long distance is killing me
I wish that you are here with me (you are here with me) meee..
(but were stuck where we are) stuck where we are! so hard! so far
this long distance is killing me

it's so hard, it's so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far
this long distance is killing me
it's so hard, it's so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far
(so hard, so hard, where we are, where we are, your so far)
this long distance is killing me

There's only so many songs that i can sing to pass the time...

Thanks to I Am...A Long Distance Away

- Long Distance, Brandy

Memories

So my birthday is creeping up. I sit and remember my last birthday and all the hullabaloo. Lol. I remember being so upset at my cousin for wanting to go home to change when I was soo geared up to go get drinks and eat wings with her and my mom. I was PO when we got to the house for her to change and she moving slow as snails and mommy sending me to turn on the light. Wuh de hell we need light for when we not staying long? I walking to the light cussing bout "light for what, light for what..." when the following happens (Sorry it's kinda dark):




Oh to have something like that again for this birthday, with all my friends and family.

1/13/2009

Tomorrow is...

or better be..BRACES COME OFF DAY.

I wrote a recap of my life with braces HERE. Well as can be seen my December take off date was pushed back by my orthodontist cause he insisted he was still seeing a little space at the top. I wasn't seeing a space but I guess I don't have M.D after my name. So after much back and forth. Me telling him that I don't care about space at the top anymore... TAKE THEM OFF. And he telling me he's not cause when he does and I see a space I will be upset. At the end of the appointment, I had braces still on and rubber bands on the top alone. In addition I was to wear up/down rubber bands for the net month. Uhm.

One more month, and I wore no dam rubber bands. I am utterly tired of these dam things in my mouth. Lol. Just one more month yes, but I could not take it for just one more month. I was going crazy. I had already broken a few brackets eating things I was not suppose to. One more month, was sending me up a wall.

Tomorrow I will learn if my lack of discipline for just one more month will result in my orthodontist walking around with a big braces bite on his hand. I swear, if he tells me ONE MORE MONTH with these things I am going to resort to physical emotions. And I know he knows I would too. So for his life I think he should take them off.

I keep saying I don't see much changes in my face but I realise there are some. Well, I can see that my teeth are straighter down. They also appear smaller, which I hate. No one really recognizes me lol. I went to my uncles house for thanksgiving and 10 mins later everyone was like "Wait is Penze!" *rolleye*


This is me before braces and a pic taken last week:


















So I'm READY!! READY!! And Dr. Smith better be ready to take them off or to take on a BITE!!!


EDIT: My hair has surely grown though... lol

To Be Able To Choose

It probably comes easy for most people to see themselves choosing their partner at their own free will and going thru the normal courting process of seeing if this is the right person for them. Dealing with the ups and downs on relationships as a couple. But for some that is a luxury.

I was missing a friend for a few days, trying to contact her all the way in India. She spent a good part of her life in Tobago. As I think about it, I'm not even sure what age she came to Tobago at but she was there for her High School years for sure. We played tennis together. Her parents are from India. Both Doctors. Both follow the strict principles of their country. So in other words my friend and her brother were also heading for the field of medicine. It was destined.

We lost contact over the years, even though we were in the same state at one point. Thanks to Facebook we were able to ketch up and the natural friendship we had just returned. Based on her pictures over the years, she had fallen into the "World" quite nicely. She was in India (sign #1) in her last year of her work time in the hospita (sign #2).

Anyway, after a few tries I wake up this morning to an email from her. ALL distraught. She had attempted to contact me before but I guess something didn't connect. Her parents found out she was living with her boyfriend and moved her from her apartment, her friends, her final year at that hospital to go live with her grandmother. Oh they also sent with her two body guards. She can't understand why her parents can't understand that they can't arrange her marriage for her. (Her brother just got married also, but I have a feeling his was not an arranged one). He mother says that they should have lived apart for a few months then gotten married. The option of courting for her is out the door. The fact that they have even added bodyguards to her life shows the severity with which her parents are thinking. I feel sorry for her. She was so happy. She felt that this person was THE person. She was about to finish her last year of some tough school times. She was living HER life. But in less than 3 days she was forced to live her parents' life. I won't be surprised if in a month's time she tells me she's married.

I wonder how I would have dealt with those rituals if they were a part of my life? Do my parents know what I want in a mate? Or were they going to go with what's best for me by society standards? Would his income be the deciding factor? Or his ambition? Or his emotional stability? I can't imagine the emotional distress she's going through now.

She's not the first person I've seen taken out of a relationship by their parents. Both Hindus. One I thought would be a more relaxed being that they are from Trinidad more directly than my other friend's family. But it was the same circumstances. Girl #2 was quickly married and moved out of state. She seems happy though.

So the option to choose is not so much of an option for some people. You would think that now, everybody would want their kids to have the option of choice. I guess how they see it is protecting their kids somehow or making the best decision for them. But didn't you raise your kids so that they can make their own sound decisions? And what if your choice happens to be the wrong one? (Girl #2 sisters were also arranged and divorced not long after) How does that affect you and your child's relationship?

I'm glad my parents gave me the option of choice. And though I have made some wrong ones along the way, they were mine.

1/12/2009

One Down...

So we're in the second week of January. The second week of 2009 and things are going good. I've had one break down day that was triggered by me not taking my meds so it doesn't really count.

I'm happy. School is going good and should be great for the next ten weeks. I think I'm really happy with my decisions on how I want to approach this new year and the fact that I have stuck with them so far. It's strange that others have sensed that "Not fighting" stance and seem to want to push me to try extra with things that I'm fed up of. I refuse to get into that zone again cause when it comes down to it, I'm the one that suffers.

What amazes me with life is that some people only react when they think they are about to loose. All year some friends have been acting unfriend like. I kept trying and trying with them, but continued to get hurt. After futile attempts I decided for the new year I wasn't going to try so hard anymore. Surely I was beginning to be a bother, or was attempting to have something that another person didn't want. I didn't want anyone forcing themselves. So I step into '09 to sit back and all attempts are now being made to be FRIENDS again. I'm shocked and even a bit confused. Should I take this re birth of enthusiasm and be the friend or fall into the "too late" mode? What if I decide to return the feelings now and then it get's thrown into my face? Sigh... Life eh.. it's weird.

But I'm enjoying my new weeks and praying everyday that I continue to grow as the time passes.

1/09/2009

2008 Lessons

2008 allowed me to learn a lot about myself. Good things and bad things.

I’ve learnt that:

I have a lot to offer and some people are sometimes blind to that.

My medication makes me an emotional wreck.

I can tolerate things for a long time

Decisions cannot always be made right away.

I consider other people’s feelings a little too much.

Life has this way of stopping you from doing things that you may regret later down.

Happiness for me is love.

Relationships ships for me are love.

Not everyone understands what “I love you” means and stands for.

People cannot hide who they really are for very long. In time their true selves manifest.

Having a few good, supportive friends can power a whole movement.

Living by the credo “Do unto others as they would do unto you” is hard. Sometimes you want to treat people exactly as they treat you.

I cannot forget and it sometimes makes it hard for me to forgive.

Trust is something I hold dearly and once broken changes the whole dynamics.

I appear easily fooled and sometimes gullible.

People doubt my intelligence because I am not a talker.

My intelligence, my dreams and my personality encourages other people to be good people.

Someone can love me forever.

Happy New Year!!!!

I'm a few days late but hey better late than never.

2009 started out GREAT for me. As I had intended. The day before i was oh so scared because it was a really rough day. Old Years projected to be HORRIBLE and I was really scared that I would be going into 2009 as my 2008 was. I was petrified. But thank God things worked out. It was shaky but by the start of the New Year I was happy and it continued into being a great start.

To date, I am hopeful as everyone is at the beginning of the year. Full of hope and positivity. And I pray that it continues into the year. I have no qualms with there being life learning lessons this year. I'm not afraid of having some challenges, but the extra unnecessary garbage that plagued me for '08 I wont be having. Something I have made clear with EVERYONE.

So here's to a NEW YEAR, a NEW BLOG, new EXPERIENCES!!!


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